Forgiveness is a gift we give to the deserving and
undeserving, alike. It is as much for us, as it is the other guy. The act of
forgiveness begins a process which allows us to move past stagnation, and frees
us to navigate the next step in God’s plans for our lives. Forgiveness must, of
necessity, begin with words; words spoken to another individual, a gravestone,
or possibly a mirror.
Forgiveness is not dependent on a particular feeling, for if
we wait for a particular feeling, it may never arrive. A close reading of
scripture makes it apparent that God honors the intent of the heart, and those
words and actions which follow the intent. (Feelings, as God-given and natural
as they are, often limit our ability to move forward).
At the same time, forgiveness is a process. And anyone who
properly understands the depth of hurt which has been visited on some good
people around us is in no place to be critical. There is a place for the
passage of time, and some have been wounded so badly that forgiveness must wait
on the measured “working out” of emotions like rage or sorrow.
Over the past twenty plus years, I have counseled literally
thousands of men, women and children. I have been exposed to the most
horrendous stories of domestic abuse, child molestation, adultery, and the
like. As a result, sometimes the failure of a relative or friend whom we
trusted has been so great that while forgiveness is desirable, reconciliation,
and a renewed relationship is out of the question.
Forgiveness and Reconciliation are two “different animals;”
for reconciliation is dependent on reestablishing trust, and a relationship
between two people. Forgiveness may be offered without an implied offer to be
hurt again. Reestablishing trust involves taking a risk; not unlike putting
your money into a bank that has previously failed. And only the offended party
can properly decide whether to take the risk of reconciliation.
In the past several months someone very near and dear to me,
and in whom I had invested more time and energy than anyone in my 65 years of
life, made the decision to walk away from the relationship we had established.
As a result, his or her (I won’t be specific) actions has caused me to feel
very badly about myself; a persuasion which will take significant time to mend.
He or she has my full and free forgiveness. Day One, Now, Immediately. However,
I am skeptical that I could ever invest trust in that individual again, or
attempt to renew the severed relationship.
While I am convinced that God commands us to forgive those
who have offended us, the decision to reinvest trust is optional, and dependent
on the prayerful consideration of the person who has been offended. In spite of
the foregoing implication, the bonds of blood and marriage must not be taken
lightly, and especially in cases where these bonds exist only the most heinous
circumstances should prevent the possibility of reconciliation.
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