Monday, January 31, 2022

MY MONKEY & ME



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I suppose I was 12 or 13 when that I “put in” with my mother to buy a pet monkey. In those days you could purchase squirrel monkeys in pet shops, though to my knowledge one would need a special pet handling license to do so now.

At any rate, the day dawned when mama succumbed to my wishes and drove me to the local pet shop, and we proceeded to browse the “monkey section” of the store. Of course, given that we lived in a lightly inhabited area of the state, you might imagine the selection was a bit thin. I suppose there may have been all of two or three monkeys from which to choose.

To this day I don’t recall what sort of home-going receptacle the store keeper packed the little critter in, nor the name which I ultimately gave him, nor what I fed him, but we someone managed to do the deed, and he was mine.

To say I was ill-prepared to take care of the tiny imp would be an understatement, since when we got home I placed the little guy in a relatively small cage behind the house, and did whatever amateurish things I did to care for him. And I might well have added one more item to the list of variables in the previous paragraph.

How long I had him.

Almost six decades have come and gone since that season in my life, but if memory serves me well, the little tyke “came and went” during the course of a few days.

It soon became apparent that there would be no holding of, nor playing with my newfound “friend,” since to do so would have resulted in a mauling of the hands, shoulders, neck and face I would not soon forget. And I can be quite sure this was the case, since before I “knew better” he gave me a couple of unexpected scratches and bites which put me on my guard for some rare tropical disease.

It may have been the same week I adopted him, or the next that I gingerly opened the door of his cage to feed him a banana or bunch of grapes, when he darted out said door, and scrambled up a nearby oak tree. As I reflect upon it now there can be little doubt that he’d been longingly looking up into the tree above him, and making plans to escape; as surely as you can say, “Shawshank Redemption.”

And as “Mrs. Fairfax” of the book and movie, “Jane Eyre” might have mused,

“What to do? What to do?”

There seemed to be little that I could do. I recall standing beneath that old oak tree, looking up, and he sat among the top branches of the tree, looking down. It was then that I shouted a few choice four letter words, kicked over the cage, and stood there watching the little guy celebrate his escape for an hour or more. No doubt, I enlisted the help of my dad, and no doubt he informed me of the hopelessness of my predicament. Like putting toothpaste back into a tube, no coxing managed to lure the creature back into the cage.

There was little I could do but set a course for my nearby back door, and leave the fate of my fuzzy friend to Providence.

Odd how sometimes we never know the ultimate outcome of this or that momentary occurrence, or sometimes we live out multiplied decades; when things suddenly become as recognizable as a completed thousand piece puzzle. 

It was only last year that I happened to mention that ancient one-monkey zoo, and the occupant thereof, to my brother, Wayne. And it was then that I saw something register in his eyes. For it seems he was endowed with a missing piece of that puzzle, and had “kept it in his pocket” for well over half a century.

“I heard that little critter lived in those trees surrounding Mr. Pickens’ house for years.”

My brother’s informational tidbit caught me off guard, and no doubt I responded with a,

“Say what?”

Mr. Pickens owned a commercial plant nursery which was located a few hundred yards from my house, and I worked part-time for him after school during my teen years. But in spite of this, I’d never heard this story, and I found myself relieved that the tiny ape had managed to survive longer than I might have hoped at the time.

The State of Florida is home to numerous exotic native and non-native species. Black bears, panthers, alligators, crocodiles, boa constrictors, manatees, and monkeys of every breed and variety prowl the swamps, forests and waterways of our peninsula.

On a peripheral note, I vividly remember my 40 day National Guard stint in Homestead after Hurricane Andrew. The 2/116 Field Artillery had “set up shop” on the property of the Metro Zoo; or what was left of it. We were informed that a research facility on the grounds of the zoo had been wiped out during this Category 5 storm, and that dozens of HIV-infected monkeys had escaped; not unlike the previous escapade of my little friend. And we were admonished, should we see one, to shoot the critter on sight. None, however were sighted, and none, however were shot. It has been conjectured that these research animals made their way into the Florida Everglades, and proceeded to practice un-safe sex the past two and a half decades. As a result, there might well be hundreds of HIV-infected monkeys roaming a full third of our state.

I like to think my little friend lived out a full, contented, (though admittedly solitary) life “on the lamb.” No doubt, he was better for having made his escape from his outdoor prison, and from the well-intended, but amateurish likes of me.

Somehow I’m glad he, like all those other exotic creatures which populate my native environment, was given the opportunity to live and to die free, and that in my latter years I was provided with some understanding of his ultimate fate.

I am once again reminded that knowledge is a gift. Not unlike the recognition which comes with the completion of a tedious puzzle.

I can see him now; enjoying those wild, ecstatic moments amongst the branches.

by William McDonald, PhD

 

*Over 50 years after my monkey escaped from its cage, I became social media friends with the daughter of the man who bought the caladium nursery about two hundred yards down the road from where we lived. I asked her whether she had any information about the little critter, and I was surprised and gratified when she responded, as follows:

“Wow! He did live in what we called the jungle for years. We named him Bobo and we also fed him grapes and bananas. He would come and sit on the doorknob of our front door many times when he wanted something to eat. I caught him and held him for a very “short” minute . Usually just talked to him and fed him, but didn’t get too close, though he would take fruit from us. He would swing from branch to branch and squeal. We loved him so much. We left for a vacation. ( not sure the time of year), but when we came home we never saw him again. I believe my dad was told someone from the trailer park by the bridge had caught him and he later died. Never knew where he came from, but I think he had a good life. Could go in the barns when it was cold. Our visiting relatives loved to see Bobo. Many great memories and so sad when he was gone. Good to know after so many years where Bobo came from. Loved that little monkey. Thanks

(And in regard to my ‘thanks’ for giving my monkey love and care…)

“Oh, you are welcome. We certainly loved that little guy. I believe he did have a good life while with us. Free to roam the jungle, but shelter when needed. Plenty of food too.”

(Kim Frye)

CURTAIN CALL

 


                                                      Glencoe, Scotland - Click to enlarge
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I have previously written about the following experience in my “Returning in Their Place” daily journal; which I kept on our trip to Scotland and Ireland four years ago. (England would have to wait, though I would love to see it).

My wife and I were on a two week guided tour to the lands of our ancestors, (as well as the ancestors of a vast percentage of modern day Americans).

I have long since forgotten the name of the Scottish town in which we stopped for the night, or, for that matter, the hotel. Suffice it to say that we were somewhere in central Scotland.

Our tour group gathered in the hotel restaurant about 6pm for our evening meal. It was a large room, and other guests, perhaps another tour group, filled every available seat. There were well more than a hundred people in the place.

I have also long since forgotten whether the hotel provided us any entertainment. There may have been a pianist. There may have been a singer. (However, if we lacked anyone to entertain us, I would soon make up for the lack).

My wife, daughter and grandson sat in the other chairs which surrounded me. We were provided menus and I chose a nice filet of salmon, broccoli and mashed potatoes. (My mouth is watering just thinking about it)! And while we were offered an alcoholic beverage, (white wine was suggested as an accompaniment for my meal), we all declined.

Everything proceeded nominally during the meal, and there was nothing especially memorable about the discussion at our little table. However, (and it was and continues to be a huge “HOWEVER”)…

Pt. 2

However, as the meal neared its inevitable conclusion, I looked to my left, and noticed a curtain; perhaps six or seven foot in width and eight feet in height. And given my general state of curiosity which has accompanied me the past seventy years, I was determined to discover what lay behind it. (Can we say “Wiley Coyote and Roadrunner”)?

As Jean, Kristy and Noah finished off the last few remnants of whatever they happened to be eating that evening, I stood up, and grabbed one side of the curtain; with the intention of peeking behind the heavy non-descript cloth. But now, all my well-intentioned plans “went south.” Whereas, I thought the curtain might have hidden absolutely nothing but a bare wall, I found myself falling into an abyss! And given my precarious (lack of) footing, I attempted to right myself by jerking downward on the curtain.

And now, the top edge of the curtain gave way, and the fabric hooks began to bend, and tear away from the cloth. And now, I felt my hand touch something hard behind the curtain, and I just managed to regain my balance.

During the course of my unfortunate, but admittedly laughable, experience, someone nearby uttered a one syllable word. (Well, not exactly a word). For you see, as I was in the process of falling into the small cavern, my wife emitted a 150 decibel scream!

Having regained my balance, I sheepishly looked around me, and noticed 100 plus men, women and children were looking back at me! For one moment in time, the entire room was so utterly quiet you might have heard a pin drop!

And now, (my wife has often referred to me as “The Master of the Unexpected”) I faced the assembled dinner guests, clicked my heels together, and rendered a slow military salute!

(It occurred to me later that my fellow diners must have thought I had imbibed a couple of liters of that white wine)!

And now, without so much as another word, Jean, Kristy and Noah rose to their feet. What little food still remained on their plates was immediately forgotten. With faces focused on the floor, (and alluding to my previous military implication) we made a hasty retreat.

It's easy to laugh about it now, but it certainly wasn’t funny at the time.


I never did find out what was behind that darned curtain!

by William McDonald, PhD


IT'S A VERY BEAUTIFUL DAY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD

 


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I didn’t grow up watching “Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood,” but then again, its inception was in 1968, a year after I graduated from high school; (so the likelihood that I would have devoted much time to the program was almost nil).

In the last few moments, I did a Google search, and discovered that the television show aired for a grand total of (drum roll) 33 years, and only went off the air in 2001; a fateful year for this country, and two years before his passing.

It occurs to me that “Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood” was on television for the same amount of time that Jesus lived, and moved and breathed on the earth. I have never heard anyone expound on this bit of information. Perhaps it’s just a coincidence. But then, I don’t believe in coincidences.

Oh, I remember seeing snippets of Fred Rogers’ program, and honestly, it did little or nothing for me at the time. Obviously, the show was geared towards little children; the humor, the skits, the puppets, the guests. And “Bro. Fred’s” voice and mannerisms always struck me as a bit effeminate.

Speaking of the foregoing prefix before his name, many people were unaware that Mr. Rogers was actually Rev. Rogers. For you see, Fred was an ordained Presbyterian minister, and to my knowledge, he possessed a calling unlike any other; before or since. Interestingly enough, he had been specially commissioned by his church to host “Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood” for the little boys and girls of America.

I have written about Mr. Rogers in the past, having previously read a poignant story of which he was the subject. And come to think about it, I only have “given him the time of day” the past couple of years; (a full decade and a half after his death).

Pt. 2

As I have inferred, I love a particular story I read about Mr. Rogers. I am including that story here.

Anthony Breznican, a senior writer at Entertainment Weekly once experienced a lifetime encounter with Fred Rogers that will restore your faith in humanity. Breznican, like Rogers, hails from Pittsburgh. And like most of us, he grew up watching Mr. Rogers. And then he outgrew him. Until he needed his kindness again, when he was in college.

“As I got older, I lost touch with the show, (which ran until 2001). But one day in college, I rediscovered it. I was having a hard time. The future seemed dark. I was struggling. Lonely. Dealing with a lot of broken pieces, and not adjusting well. I went to Pitt and devoted everything I had to a school paper; hoping it would propel me into some kind of worthwhile future.

It was easy to feel hopeless. During one season of my life it was especially bad. Walking out of my dorm, I heard familiar music.

‘Won’t you be my neighbor?’

The TV was playing in the common room. Mr. Rogers was asking me what I do with the mad I feel. I had lots of ‘mad’ stored up. Still do. It feels so silly to say, but I stood mesmerized. His program felt like a cool hand on my head. I left feeling better.”

Then, days later something amazing happened. Breznican went to step into an elevator. The doors opened, and he found himself looking into the face of Mr. Rogers. Breznican kept it together at first. The two just nodded at each other. But when Mr. Rogers began to walk away, he couldn’t miss the opportunity to say something.

“The doors open. He lets me go out first. I step out, but turn around.

‘Mr. Rogers, I don’t mean to bother you. But I just want to say, Thanks.’

He smiles, but this probably happens to him every ten feet all day long.

‘Did you grow up as one of my neighbors?’

I felt like crying.

‘Yeah. I did.’

With this, Mr. Rogers opened his arms, lifting his satchel, for a hug.

‘It’s good to see you again, neighbor.’

I got to hug Mr. Rogers! This is about the time we both began crying.”

But this story is about to get even better.

“We chatted a few minutes. Then Mr. Rogers started to walk away. After he had taken a couple of steps, I said in a kind of rambling rush that I’d stumbled on the show recently when I really needed it. So, I said, ‘Thanks’ for that. Mr. Rogers paused, and motioned towards the window, and sat down on the ledge.

This is what set Mr. Rogers apart. No one else would have done this. He says,

“Do you want to tell me what is upsetting you?”

So, I sat down. I told him my grandfather had just died. He was one of the good things I had. I felt lost. Brokenhearted. I like to think I didn’t go on and on, but pretty soon he was talking to me about his granddad, and a boat the old man had given to him as a kid.

Mr. Rogers asked how long ago my Pap had died. It had been a couple of months. His grandfather was obviously gone for decades. He still wished the old man was here, and wished he still had the boat.

‘You never really stop missing the people you love,’ Mr. Rogers said.

That boat had been a gift from his grandfather for something. Maybe good grades; something important. Rogers didn’t have the boat anymore, but he had given him his ethic for work.

‘Things, really important things that people leave with us are with us always.’

By this time, I’m sure my eyes looked like stewed tomatoes. Finally, I said, ‘thank you,’ and I apologized if I had made him late for an appointment.

‘Sometimes you’re right where you need to be,’ he said.

Mr. Rogers was there for me. So, here’s my story on the 50th anniversary of his program for anyone who needs him now. I never saw him again. But that quote about people who are there for you when you’re scared? That’s authentic. That’s who he was. For real.”

Mr. Rogers died in 2003. When Breznican heard the news, he sat down at his computer, and cried. Not over the loss of a celebrity, but a neighbor.

Thank you for being one of those helpers, Mr. Rogers. We hope that somewhere, you’re in a boat with your grandpa again.

(Allison Carter, USA Today)

Pt. 3

There is a new movie out with Tom Hanks called, “A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood.” And since I had previously written about Mister Rogers, (a blog that is not included here) I had more than a passing interest in seeing the movie.

Admittedly, I feel a little guilty going to a movie alone these days, as my wife is staying with our grandson, while our daughter is spending a month in Nepal, (yes, Nepal) engaged in doing social work with an NGO there. (But, admittedly, the guilt wasn’t potent enough to preclude me from following through with my plan last night).

Well, so I got dressed, and drove the ten or twelve minutes which separated me from the local theater in time for the first Friday evening premier showing. However, when I arrived, I discovered that the parking lot was full to overflowing, and I surmised that I didn’t want any part of sitting “bunched up” against a person on my left and one on my right, and a theater packed out like sardines in a can. As a result, I had no sooner drove into the “asphalt jungle” that I turned around and drove out of it.

Having arrived home, and put on my jogging shorts and muscle shirt, I debated whether I would “take in” the 10:30pm showing of the movie. I was tired, and I knew my ambition would, no doubt, progressively wane in the two hours which separated me from the process of redressing, getting in the car, and heading back to the theater.

However, as a counselor I tell my clients that there’s a great substitute for ambition, since ambition is little more than an emotion. The substitute? A decision. After all, anything good must be done “on purpose.” Only wrecks happen by accident. (Sorry, I couldn’t resist that little teaching).

Pt. 4

Thus, I made a premeditated decision to take in the late movie. I realized that the theater would be “blown out” on Saturday, and I would find myself in exactly “the same boat” as I experienced the first time that I drove up to the theater.

Throwing my street clothes back on, I walked out the door at 9:55pm, and retraced my route of two hours earlier. Ten minutes later I drove into… an almost empty parking lot, and, as you might expect, I wasn’t complaining.

Exiting the car, I walked the twenty yards which separated me from my quest; the box office window. And as I stepped up to the young lady in the booth, and she looked expectantly at me, waiting for me to announce the movie of my choice, I almost involuntarily began to sing.

(Yeah, I did).

“It’s a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood…”

And then, the slightest bit self-conscious, I mused,

“I bet lots of folks have walked up to you tonight singing that song.”

To which “Anna” replied,

“Ummm. Nope, you’re the first one!”

(Now, I really did feel like a fool. LOL).

Having purchased my ticket, I walked through the front door and into the lobby, had my ticket punched by the attendant, walked to the candy counter, asked for a senior popcorn and coke, paid for my goodies, and proceeded to theater number three; down the hallway, second door on the right.

Pt. 5

Walking into the theater, I found it to be very dark, very quiet, and …very empty.

As a matter of fact, I was the only human being in the whole place! And, as I always do, I climbed the steps of the amphitheater to the top, walked to the middle of the row of seats, and plopped down, dead center; setting my drink in the right holder, and my wallet, and cell phone in the left one. (I am one of those guys who doesn’t like to carry stuff in my pockets. Even when I go to a restaurant, I immediately set the obtrusive items on the table).

Be that as it may, I sat “all by my lonely” on the top row of the theater, as the commercials for upcoming movies ran for 15 plus minutes. However, finally, finally the opening credits of “A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood” flickered onto the screen.

And as you might imagine, the first scene had a fairly believable Tom Hanks, portraying Mr. Rogers, walking through the door of his “play room,” opening a nearby closet, exchanging his suit coat for a red sweater, and taking off his street shoes, and replacing them with sneakers.

To be fair, I thought the well-known actor’s attempt to replicate Mr. Rogers’ voice was slightly contrived, (but perhaps only slightly). At the same time, he looked enough like “the real McCoy” for this audience of one to settle in, and absorb the plot and implications of the movie.

And without absolutely spoiling it for you, suffice it to say that the plot centered around a fella named Tom Junod, (though he assumes a different name in the film), an Esquire magazine journalist, and his relationship with Mr. Rogers; (which all began when the former contacted the latter for an interview).

Ultimately, this interview was titled, “Can You Say…Hero?” and became the feature story for the November 1998 issue of Esquire magazine, and featured (there’s that word again) the beaming image of Mr. Rogers on the cover.

Pt. 6

And again, without giving away anything, Mr. Rogers made a profound difference in Tom Junod’s life, and for that matter, the life of his entire family. He made a difference in many lives that God set in his pathway.

There was an exchange in the movie in which our “hero” is speaking on the phone with the foregoing journalist, and he says,

“Do you know who the most important person in my life is, Tom?”

And perhaps Junod merely responded with, “Who?”

And with a twinkle in his eye, and a slight catch in his characteristic voice, Mr. Rogers replies,

“Well, at this very moment, Tom, you are the most important person in my life!”

I think that’s how he made you feel. Yes, I think that’s how he made you feel. As if for that moment in time, you were the only person who really mattered to him.

I felt very much this way when I paraphrased the Book of Philippians; (years before I paraphrased the entire New Testament). It was as if I was given the wherewithal to walk into Paul’s Roman cell, and sit down beside him, and talk with him about his life, and impact and suffering, to know him as my friend and brother, and to realize his compassion and joy in spite of the circumstances which surrounded him.

Following is a poignant reminiscence from an article about Mr. Rogers.

“Every morning, when he swims, he steps on a scale in his bathing suit and his bathing cap and his goggles, and the scale tells him he weighs 143 pounds. This has happened so many times that Mister Rogers has come to see that number as a gift, as a destiny fulfilled, because, as he says,

‘the number 143 means I love you. It takes one letter to say I, and four letters to say love, and three letters to say you. One hundred and forty-three. I love you. Isn't that wonderful?’”

Pt. 7

And now, the movie finally drew to a close, and I hesitated to leave. After stuffing my wallet and cell phone back into my pockets, I ambled down the long flight of steps, and paused to see if any actual footage of the “real” Mister Rogers would appear on the screen. And, in fact, it did.

There he was standing in his element, in his little “play room” with his puppets, and lighting up his little world with that memorable smile.

Now, I walked down the long hallway which led out of the very dark, very quiet and… very empty theater. And as I walked out the door, and into the lobby of the place, I could still hear the closing song as it trailed off behind me.Top of Form

 

Bottom of Form

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood
A beautiful day for a neighbor
Could you be mine?
Would you be mine?

Let's make the most of this beautiful day
Since we're together, might as well say
Would you be my, could you be my
Won't you be my neighbor?

A lone security guard greeted me, as I neared the exit of the building. The lights were turned down low. No one was behind the candy counter, and the ushers were, by now, heating up their TV dinners, or turning in for the night.

And now, I pushed open the exit door, and stepped out into the street. And a penetrating moment of sadness suddenly overwhelmed me.

I can’t really account for why I experienced that fleeting emotion. Perhaps it had something to do with the poignancy of losing anyone so singular as this man happened to be, and who had impacted several generations of children.

Children who ultimately became fathers and mothers, and subsequently, grandfathers and grandmothers; while their own children and grandchildren continued to be entertained by the same humble little man; who to children presented as an adult, and who to adults seemed almost childlike.

 

So much like the journalist, I felt almost as if I had been granted my own personal interview with Mister Rogers. After all, I had been the only human being within fifty feet in any direction, and I experienced a strange sensation that this man had set aside a bit of his valuable time, as he did with countless other people during his lifetime… for me.

And perhaps during those few moments which he granted me, I was, indeed, the most important person in his life.

 

*Tom Hanks was recently informed that he and Mister Rogers are 6th cousins. No wonder they look alike.

By William McDonald, PhD

Saturday, January 29, 2022

SAYING GOODBYE TO COOPER

 


("Marley, you tell me when it's time") from "Marley & Me"

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The veterinary assistant was apparently running late, as Queenie and I were the only living occupants of the parking lot, my automobile the only inanimate vehicle, (aren’t they all) and the ‘Closed’ sign still hung inside the glass door.

 

 

 

Suddenly, a car slowed, turned into the parking lot, and pulled into an adjoining space. Obviously, not a clinic employee. I found myself looking into the troubled eyes of a middle-aged woman. She smiled a thin smile, and I returned the gesture. Normally, I would not have attempted a conversation, but since I happened to be ‘constitutionalizing’ my precious pooch, and in the proximity of the other vehicle, I said,

 

 

 

“Hi there. I guess the employees are running late. My little Queenie is having a tooth pulled and her teeth cleaned today.”

 

 

 

My momentary friend seemed pre-occupied with her thoughts, but the teary-eyed lady responded with,

 

 

 

“My little ‘Cooper’ is being put to sleep this morning.”

 

 

 

Having lost three previous pooches, her words struck me to the core. And having involuntarily paused for effect, she continued.

 

 

 

 “I’ve only had him a few months, and he was due to be vaccinated for a couple of common diseases. Unfortunately, before I could get him to the clinic, he came down with Parvo. It turns out five other dogs on our street have gotten it, and have since died of it.”

 

 

 

(and)

 

 

 

“Cooper weighed 55 pounds before he came down with the virus. He’s down to 28 pounds, and the vet hasn’t been able to do anything to help him.”

 

 

 

Pt. 2

 

 

 

With this, I peered into the half-opened back window of the automobile. I found myself looking into the mournful eyes of what appeared to be a chocolate lab.

 

 

 

I recently published a little volume entitled, “A Man’s Tribute to His Beloved Dogs,” and one primary implication in the book is the innate intelligence of canines, and their ability to “understand what’s going on.” Perhaps they comprehend much more about the import of human speech than we possibly imagine. I believe the precious pooch in the back seat knew what was about to befall him. He just knew.

 

 

 

I turned my gaze away from the hopeless animal in the back of the old sedan, and without a word, I extended my right hand towards the woman. And without so much as a word, she returned the gesture. (Strange, I almost placed my hand on her forehead, as a sort of blessing, and have done so in the past, but this inclination seemed a bit too forward). At any rate, my anything, but premeditated behavior had little or nothing to do with the usual connotation of a handshake; since we had not ‘til then, (nor did we ever) introduce ourselves to one another.

 

 

 

The milk of human compassion. There is just something about touch which conveys an underlying emotion, and cognitive affirmation, like nothing else can do; whether a handshake, a hug, or an arm around the shoulder.

 

 

 

I had ‘been there’ and nothing conjures up the requisite understanding and subsequent response, more so than having been there. And before each of us withdrew our hands to our own persons, I verbally expressed my understanding.

 

 

 

“I can feel your pain. My first pooch crossed the Rainbow Bridge sixty years ago.”

 

 

 

My newfound friend seemed surprised. I like to think I look younger than my years. (I guess staying away from mirrors helps perpetuate this myth).

 

 

 

Having done what I could, and since about this time the clinic door was opened to me, I strode through the portal with my twelve pound Shih Tzu in hand.

 

 

 

It has been several years since that experience, but I will always remember those few fleeting moments, and will be thankful I had the opportunity to comfort another human being; who was facing one of the most difficult experiences any of us ever will.

by William McDonald, PhD

 

GIVING & RECEIVING

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IF FROM TWO KINDS OF PLEASURE I WOULD CHOOSE

THE ONE BY WHICH I’D WIN, THE OTHER LOSE

THE HAPPINESS I FIND ON THIS OLD EARTH,

THRU DEEDS OF KINDNESS AND OF VIRTUOUS WORTH,

OR PASSING, GIVING JOY TO THOSE I KNOW,

AND TO THE HELPLESS, QUIET ALMS BESTOW,

I KNOW I’D RELISH NOT TEMPORARY GAIN

OR THE MULTITUDE’S APPLAUSE, BUT LIVING AIM

MY WORK BY ACTING IN THOSE PARTS

THAT WOULD ENGRAVE MY NAME IN HUMAN HEARTS

OF VARIOUS FORMS OF INDIGNATION YOU AND I

WILL FIND IN EVERY SOUL THAT PASSES BY,

THERE’S ONE, A LOWLY JEW OF GALILEE

USED, WHEN HE TOOK A WHIP TO FREE

THE TEMPLE FROM THE MONEY CHANGERS THERE.

THAT I LIKE BEST, FOR IT LAYS NAKED, BARE,

THE FRUITLESSNESS OF SELFISH, SORDID AIM,

AND DISAPPOINTMENT FOUND IN WORLDLY GAIN,

AND MAGNIFIES A THOUSAND FOLD

THE RIGHTEOUS WAY TO WORK FOR YOUNG AND OLD.

EACH HOUR, EACH DAY, EACH YEAR WE WIN OR LOSE

HAPPINESS AND PEACE OF MIND THE WAY WE CHOOSE;

EACH FLOWER AND BIRD, ALL CREATURES ON THIS EARTH

THAT HAVE IN THEM THE PRECIOUS JEWEL OF WORTH,

TELL US THAT, FINALLY, OUR REWARD

IS WORTH SO MUCH WE CAN’T AFFORD

WHEN YOUNG, NOT TO TRAIN THE WILL,

SO THAT THRU LIFE WE’LL CHOOSE THE RIGHT THING STILL

AND HAPPINESS THROUGHOUT THE PASSING HOURS

WILL BE WITH THEE AND THINE AND ALL THAT’S OURS

(Wallace Holmes)

 

SAY NOT MY SOUL

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Say Not, My Soul

Say not, my soul, “From whence
Can God relieve my care'
Remember that Omnipotence
Hath servants everywhere.
His help is always sure,
His methods seldom guessed;
Surprise will give it zest.
Delay will make our pleasure pure;
His wisdom is sublime,
His heart profoundly kind;
God never is before His time,
And never is behind.
Hast thou assumed a load
Which none will bear with thee'
And art thou bearing it for God,
And shall He fail to see'
- J. J. Lynch

Friday, January 28, 2022

WIDOWHOOD


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Widow.

 

At first, I hated the word; after all, I'm too young to be a widow! But scripture reminds me that widows are very precious to God and I cannot despise what He loves. Even when it's me.

 

Lately, I've been pondering what it means to be a widow. How can I even describe it? It's so much.... and yet, so much nothing, at the same time.

 

Last night, another pastor's widow sent this to me, and although I didn't write it, I feel every word so deeply. So, if you want a peek inside the mind and heart of a widow, keep reading. Then say a prayer for every precious widow and widower in your life.

 

Widowhood is more than missing your spouse’s presence. It is adjusting to an alternate life. It is growing around a permanent amputation.

 

Widowhood is going to bed for the thousandth time, and still, the loneliness doesn’t feel normal. The empty bed a constant reminder. The night no longer brings intimacy and comfort, but the loudness of silence and the void of connection.

 

Widowhood is walking around the same house you have lived in for years and it no longer feeling like home. Because “home” incorporated a person. And they’re not there. Homesickness fills your heart and the knowledge that it will never return haunts you.

 

Widowhood is seeing all your dreams and plans you shared as a couple crumble around you. The painful process of searching for new dreams that include only you amount to climbing Mount Everest. And every small victory of creating new dreams for yourself includes a new shade of grief that their death propelled you to this path.

 

Widowhood is second guessing everything you thought you knew about yourself. Your life had molded together with another’s and without them you have to relearn all your likes, hobbies, fears, goals. The renaissance of a new person makes you proud and heartbroken simultaneously.

 

Widowhood is being a stranger in your own life. The unnerving feeling of watching yourself from outside your body, going through the motions of what was your life, but being detached from all of it. You don’t recognize yourself. Your previous life feels but a vapor long gone, like a mist of a dream you begin to wonder if it happened at all.

 

Widowhood is the irony of knowing if that one person was here to be your support, you would have the strength to grieve that one person. The thought twists and confuses you. If only they were here to hold you and talk to you, you’d have the tenacity to tackle this unwanted life. To tackle the arduous task of moving on without them.

 

Widowhood is missing the one person who could truly understand what is in your heart to share. The funny joke, the embarrassing incident, the fear compelling you or the frustration tempting you. To anyone else, you would have to explain, and that is too much effort, so you keep it to yourself. And the loneliness grows inside you.

 

Widowhood is struggling with identity. Who are you if not their spouse? What do you want to do if not the things you planned together? What brand do you want to buy if not the one you two shared for 20 years? What is your purpose if the job of investing into your marriage is taken away? Who is my closest companion when my other half isn’t here?

 

Widowhood is feeling restless because you lost your home, identity, partner, lover, friend, playmate, travel companion, co-parent, security, and life. And you are drifting with an unknown destination.

 

Widowhood is living in a constant state of missing the most intimate relationship. No hand to hold. No body next to you. No partner to share your burden.

 

Widowhood is being alone in a crowd of people. Feeling sad even while you’re happy. Feeling guilty while you live. It is looking back while moving forward. It is being hungry but nothing sounding good. It is every special event turning bittersweet.

 

Yes. It is much more than simply missing their presence. It is becoming a new person, whether you want to or not. It is fighting every emotion mankind can feel at the very same moment and trying to function in life at the same time.

 

Widowhood is frailty. Widowhood is strength. Widowhood is darkness. Widowhood is rebirth.

 

Widowhood…..is life changing.

 

I am a widow.

(Alisha Bozarth)