MRS. DOUBTFIRE'S WISDOM

We live in an age of blended families and second, third, fourth and even fifth marriages. 

As a counselor I once did premarital counseling with a man and woman who, including their present relationship, had eleven marriages between them. And if my computations are correct, a grand total of thirteen men and women were involved in the mix. You can imagine the potential problems such an engaged couple faced going into their, respectively, 5^th and 6^th marriages. Given their track records, I was all too aware that their multiple dissolutions of previous marriages were more than just about “the other parties.” 

In terms of the relational, emotional, spiritual and practical aspects and impact of that kind of marital history, very much like a cartoon I once ran across. 

A very large bed filled with a myriad of men and women. In the center of the bed lay the ‘happy couple.’ To the left of the groom, a virtual harem of women. To the right of the bride, a bevy of men. 

God willing, (and believe me, He is) such a couple will avoid entertaining extra-marital relationships in their current union. Nonetheless, figuratively they can’t help taking all those former spouses into their marital bedroom; (and into all the other rooms in their new home). And thus, is it any surprise that having completed premarital counseling, and having ‘tied the knot,’ my afore-mentioned newlyweds, in short order, filed for divorce? And is it any surprise that one of the two recent divorcees ‘knocked on my door’ again, their next fiancé in tow? (Ready, willing and able to do a new round of premarital counseling).

During ‘my time,’ the era of the 50’s and 60’s, and as I was treading the pathway of primary and secondary school, I only knew one student with divorced parents! Given that in this day and age fully one half of first marriages end in divorce, with increasingly higher rates for each subsequent marriage, I think the previous sentence merits the exclamation point I have attached to it.

I mean, I can’t set myself on a pedestal. I have experienced a previous marriage, as has my wife. Divorce and remarriage is simply rampant in American society. And I think the lack of preparation for and the presence of immaturity and selfishness within countless marriages have contributed to the amazing number of cohabitive relationships in this country.

Of course, more often than not, it’s not just about the estrangement of, and the utter dissolution of what once existed between one man and one woman. More often than not, there are children involved. Precious children who are generally more deeply impacted than the parents, themselves. Again, I can cite my only personal history in this regard, and realize that the potential impact of a failed marriage lives with the adult children of such marriages the entire rest of their lives.

Last night I was watching one of my favorite movies; the kind of video you don’t mind digging out of your DVD case on a recurring basis. “Mrs. Doubtfire,” with Robin Williams (as Daniel) and Sally Field (as Miranda). This wonderful movie has as its theme the divorce of a responsible, female executive, and her less than responsible, ‘come what may’ dysfunctional husband. 

As a counselor, mentor and encourager, I love the kind of movie in which a couple of antagonists metamorphose throughout the course of the film, experience epiphanies and make an inestimable difference in one another’s lives. 

This is one of those kind of movies.

And if I love one portion of the movie better than the rest, it would be the final few minutes. As I watched this video classic again last night, I did something which I had never done in previous viewings. I wept. Somehow I could relate to the movie in a way I had not previously related. The hurt was more real. The pain was more ‘there there.’

Following are some excerpts from the last couple of scenes.

Look, Daniel. I know it's gonna take

a long time to get over all the fights and

all the horrible things we said to each other.

It's... It's so hard.

But I know somehow you and I will be

alright and we'll get through this.

But the kids...I don't wanna hurt our children.         

So what do you want me to do?

You want me to pretend everything's

alright? Put on a happy face? Smile?

Miranda,

You took my children away from me.

I can only see them now with supervision.

Some woman watches me with the kids

like I'm some sort of deviant.

If I try to hug 'em, she wonders why.

You know what that's like?

You just sat there in that courtroom and

let that judge pass that despicable sentence.

I was angry.

You hurt me, too!

You ripped my heart out!

You know what?

I don't wanna do this anymore.

I don't wanna do any more

"who did what to whom".

Daniel, the kids need you.

And I need them.

And if you have ever seen the movie, you’re familiar with the ‘Mrs. Doubtfire’ character, and how ‘her’ television character transcends into Daniel’s real life persona, as he cross-dresses his way into assuming the role of an aged English babysitter; in order to be close to his children.

At this juncture, however, Miranda ‘is in the know’ and Daniel assumes his real identity again.

Suddenly, there’s a knock at the door.             

It's the new baby-sitter.

Come on, guys! Get up! Let's go!

Daddy!

What's goin' on?

I'm here to pick you up.

Your dad's gonna take you

for a few hours every day after school.

Really?

What about the courts? That legal stuff.

Ask your mom.

I took care of it.

No more supervised visits.

No more court liaison.

Just us?

Just us.

And as the movie reaches its zenith, Daniel, in the television guise of ‘Mrs. Doubtfire,’ answers a letter from one of his little fans.

"Dear Mrs Doubtfire,

Two months ago

my mom and dad decided to separate.

Now they live in different houses.

My brother Andrew says that we aren't

a real family any more. Is this true?

Did I lose my family?

Is there anything I could do

to get my parents back together?

Sincerely,

Katie McCormick."

“Oh, my dear Katie.

You know, some parents get along

much better when they don't live together.

They don't fight all the time

and they can become better people.

Much better mommies and daddies for you.

And sometimes they get back together.

And sometimes they don't, dear.

And if they don't,

don't blame yourself.

Just because they don't love each other anymore

doesn't mean that they don't love you.

There are all sorts of different families, Katie.

Some families have one mommy,

some families have one daddy,

or two families.

Some children live with their uncle or aunt.

Some live with their grandparents,

and some children live with foster parents.

Some live in separate homes

and neighborhoods

and some in different areas of the country.

They may not see each other for days,

weeks, months or even years at a time.

But if there's love, dear,

Well, those are the ties that bind.

And you'll have a family in your heart, forever.

All my love to you, poppet.

You're going to be all right.

Somehow our Mrs. Doubtfire’s response to that hurting child strikes me as more than the ‘lyrics’ some screenplay team threw together in an afternoon of sipping on cappuccino’s.

There’s something almost inspired about it.

Sadly, however, I think that, far too often, that last line of the monologue has remained theoretical.


By William McDonald, PhD. Excerpt from "(Mc)Donald's Daily Diary" Vol. 40. Copyright pending

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