No Solicitation

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A few years ago it seemed good to me to attach a “No Solicitation” sign on the wall outside my front door; as I am not, nor have I ever been a fan of “bell ringers” or “door knockers.”

All to no avail, it seems.

For the ringing and the knocking continued; unabated.

And with every ring of the bell and every knock on the door whomever or whatever stood outside my humble abode seemed to believe he or she or it was, 

… exempt.

As a result, I typed out a moniker of my own design, cut it to size, and snapped it into a CD case. After detaching the store-bought variety of the same, I super-glued my custom-made sign in its place, and stepped back to admire the wording.

“If you’re selling magazines, dance lessons, funeral plots, or Watchtower pamphlets

… we don’t want any.”

And yet for all my ingenuity, the magazine, dance, funeral plot and religious tract sellers

… continued to ring my bell, and/or knock on my door.

Why, just today a twenty-some year old man rang my doorbell. As I opened the door, he was prepared with his ready-made spiel. (As a matter of fact, in his hands he held an I-pad, and for all I know it served as a “cheat sheet.”)

“Hello Sir, I’m Jamal. I represent the largest door and window company in Orlando.”

I immediately brought his hard-won spiel to a screeching halt, and pointed to the ‘No Solicitation’ sign. (For by now I had replaced the tailor-made version with the original one). 

And I proceeded to provide him my counter-spiel. 

“Uh, by any chance did you notice this sign? This means you, and everyone else who knocks on my door with the ulterior motive of selling me something.”

To which the suddenly flustered young man replied,

“Well, uhmmm, I’m not selling anything.”

I was tempted to respond with,

“Oh okay. That sounds reasonable. I figured you just liked my landscaping and brickwork, and decided some interesting, good-natured old man lived here, and you suddenly ‘got a hankering’ to ‘shoot the bull’ with him.” 

(or more simply)

“That’s what they all say, but it’s what none of them mean.”

But rather, the following words proceeded from my mouth.

“Whatever you’re selling, I either already have it, don’t need it, or can’t afford it.”

It leaves me wondering why the two word posted phrase, “No Solicitation” is insufficient, and, rather, why ruder and lengthier verbal phrases are required in their stead.

By William McDonald, PhD. Excerpt from "(Mc)Donald's Daily Diary" Vol. 24. Copyright pending

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