THE SLOUGH OF DESPOND. (a.k.a. Overcoming a State of Stuckness). Pts. 1-5

During the song service at church today, the worship leader led a hymn entitled, “Hold On To God’s Unchanging Hand.”

And one of the verses, and the subsequent chorus, struck me hard; so much so that tears briefly filled my eyes.

Trust in Him who will not leave you,
Whatsoever years may bring,
If by earthly friends forsaken
Still more closely to Him cling.

Hold to God’s unchanging hand,
Hold to God’s unchanging hand;
Build your hopes on things eternal,
Hold to God’s unchanging hand.

There’s another wonderful old hymn which includes similar words.

In the midst of faults and failures,
Stand by me
In the midst of faults and failures,
Stand by me
When I do the best I can,
And my friends misunderstand,
Thou Who knowest all about me,
Stand by me.

In the sixth chapter of the Gospel of John we read one of the most poignant questions in of all of scripture. But to give you a context, many of Jesus’ outer circle had suddenly ‘stepped away’ as the result of something he said, and which they didn’t understand.

As a result, (and here comes the question) Jesus turned to His twelve disciples and asked,

“Will you also go away?”

Pt. 2

I guess we’ve all ‘been there.’ I certainly have. And more than once. However, the last time it happened, as a classic movie character once exclaimed, “That was a whole ‘nother’ country!”

For you see, never in the course of my almost 70 years have I ever been hurt so badly as the result of the loss of this relationship. And I think that no relationship is so difficult to lose than a valued one in which the offending party refuses to explain why he or she has chosen ‘to go away.’

I think the sense of loss and betrayal can be the most excruciating thing anyone can experience in this life. So like a death of a loved one, but without a body to bury. Such an interminable insult to one’s emotions and the mindsets which naturally flow out of the experience. It is not unusual for a loss such as this to take years to overcome, if indeed there is any overcoming to be had.

And as I have inferred, I’ve been there. (And perhaps had I not inferred it, you would have gathered as much from the inclusion of the last paragraph. Trust me. I know what it feels like).

As a pastoral counselor who has literally counseled thousands of men, women, boys and girls over the past two and a half decades of my career, I understand the benefit of raw personal experience. But I think no therapist in his or her right mind would go out of his or her way to suffer needlessly, but neither would any therapist worth his or her salt fight vainly against those times and seasons in which he or she is provided the opportunity to strain, strive and struggle, as millions have struggled before them, and to derive whatever benefit results from such an experience. (And believe me, there are benefits to be had. But that is a whole different blog).

Pt. 3

I can tell you from personal experience that there are things one can do during such seasons to help ameliorate the loss and the pain which flows out of it, and to guard one’s emotional health during such seemingly unendurable seasons of strain, strife and struggle.

And I think those mechanisms which allow us to cope and ultimately transcend the emotional pain vary with the individual who happens to be enduring that pain.

I have myself taken a great deal of comfort in a particular song, and a particular artist who sings the song. The song? “All the Way My Savior Leads Me.” The artist? Fred Frank.

The words are as poignant whether sung or read aloud.

All the way my Savior leads me,
What have I to ask beside?
Can I doubt His tender mercy,
Who through life has been my Guide?
Heav’nly peace, divinest comfort,
Here by faith in Him to dwell!
For I know, whate’er befall me,
Jesus doeth all things well;
For I know, whate’er befall me,
Jesus doeth all things well.

All the way my Savior leads me,
Cheers each winding path I tread,
Gives me grace for every trial,
Feeds me with the living Bread.
Though my weary steps may falter
And my soul athirst may be,
Gushing from the Rock before me,
Lo! A spring of joy I see;
Gushing from the Rock before me,
Lo! A spring of joy I see.

All the way my Savior leads me,
Oh, the fullness of His love!
Perfect rest to me is promised
In my Father’s house above.
When my spirit, clothed immortal,
Wings its flight to realms of day
This my song through endless ages:
Jesus led me all the way;
This my song through endless ages:
Jesus led me all the way.

Pt. 4

I think we are faced with a unique dilemma when we suffer the loss of anyone or anything. And that dilemma has everything to do with whether we choose to transcend the pain which has been visited upon us or whether we choose to simply stay there. (But, as I will repeat again later, I am all too aware that a season of loss requires the necessary passage of time and emotions).

However, too many people allow the emotional wound to fester and develop what might be characterized as “emotional gangrene.” My friends, I have not only witnessed it among hundreds of my clients, but I have experienced myself. (And I can tell you, it ain’t pretty).

There are a range of emotions which may result from a significant loss. An assault on one’s self concept. Anger. Bitterness. What I refer to as ‘Stuckness.’ (Like going to sleep with your feet in a wet gray mixture only to awake and discover its concrete).

What, if anything, can we do to remove ourselves from our personal “Slough of Despond” to a firmer and leveler place in which we can experience all that life has for us, and all that we were ever meant to be?

(Before I continue it might be helpful to provide you some insight into the phraseology of the previous paragraph. The “Slough of Despond” was a deep bog in John Bunyan's allegory, “The Pilgrim's Progress,” into which the protagonist “Christian” sinks under the weight of his sins and his sense of guilt for them. However, this phrase may just as well characterize a sense of loss and the emotions which flow out of it, and into which we have been entrapped).

One day I was listening to the radio and the host described a wonderful plan of action whereby we can begin to transcend those things which keep us stuck. As a result, I have assigned this course of action to multiplied dozens of my counseling clients.

Pt. 5

The broadcaster mentioned a five letter acronym to which I have added an additional letter. The use of the following assignment requires an ‘on purpose’ choice to pursue such measures with all one’s heart and for a significant period of time.

FINERS

F - FUN

Recreation is fundamental to every life. Whether one prefers a recurring getaway to the nearest state park, or a visit to an art museum, or a trip to the local comedy club. Not to mention a vacation to a geographical place to which one has never resorted.

I -  INTIMACY

No, I’m not necessarily referring to the most common definition of the word. And yet, we have been created social creatures. We need one another. During times of loss it is too ‘natural’ to withdraw from the world. And yet, this is the time when we must practice what may not ‘feel’ natural under the circumstances; if this only means to bring one or two friends alongside, or to contract with a neutral party, such as a counselor, in whom one may confide.

N - NUTRITION

The benefit of a proper diet cannot be exaggerated. One cannot wait to ‘feel’ like eating properly; since the feelings could be a long time coming. At the same time, persons with a tendency to overeat during times of loss or stress must set and remain conscious of boundaries designed to prevent weight gain. 

E  - EXERCISE

What kinds of exercise have you done in the past? What kinds of exercise just naturally “light your fire?” There are any number of exercise routines which may provide the release of endorphins and dopamines which allow an individual to address the emotional stuckness with which they are confronted. Aerobic exercise is especially cathartic.

R  - REST

The importance of rest cannot be overstated. For those who struggle with insomnia during periods of loss, anxiety or despair, a specific ‘turn in’ time should be observed, night curtains can be installed in one’s bedroom, a warm decaffeinated beverage may assist in preparation for sleep, and the use of melatonin, and soothing music may be helpful.

S  - SPIRITUALITY

As I have previously inferred I have depended on spiritual music during the period of time in which I have attempted to transcend what I could only characterize as betrayal by someone near and dear to me. Meditation, prayer, and scripture are possible elements which may contribute to better emotions and more positive mindsets.

My friends, as a counselor, I am the first to acknowledge there are no pat answers, but given the passage of time, and allowing one’s self a season to experience grief and all the natural emotions which flow from loss and other negative experiences, there is a time and place when we must “dust ourselves off” and carry on.

All we can do is

…begin.


by William McDonald, PhD. Excerpt from (Mc)Donald's Daily Diary, Vol. 56.

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