*On this day twenty years ago, October 23, 1997, I retired from United Parcel Service. I post this blog in celebration of that event.
Our Catholic brethren have instituted the tradition of Confession in which faithful members of that sect regularly step into something akin to a double telephone booth and confess their sins to a priest; at which point said priest admonishes the supplicant to say 10 or 20 ‘Our Father’s’ and ‘Hail Mary’s’ as penance for their spiritual transgressions; (and possibly crimes).
Our Catholic brethren have instituted the tradition of Confession in which faithful members of that sect regularly step into something akin to a double telephone booth and confess their sins to a priest; at which point said priest admonishes the supplicant to say 10 or 20 ‘Our Father’s’ and ‘Hail Mary’s’ as penance for their spiritual transgressions; (and possibly crimes).
They say
confession is good for the soul.
Well, there
may be something to it since I’m inclined to confess a few things I’ve kept
hidden for, well, as long as I remember.
And it so
happens that all of my transgressions, at least all I care to share with you,
occurred in and about my 20 year tenure at UPS, and more specifically in and
about truck numbers 59299 and 59358. (I can only wonder whether said trucks
have, by now, been transformed into stethoscopes, doorknobs and car tags).
At any rate,
there were several circumstances in which I was involved, at the time, that
seemed anything but humorous, but which, in retrospect, now elicit a smile, and
perhaps even a hearty chuckle.
The
chronology of the follow events are, by now, out of mind and memory; though not
a myriad of details surrounding them.
There was
the time I found myself delivering packages to vendors at our local Orange
Festival. Somehow I got wedged between two rows of cars, and found myself with
very little room to maneuver ‘Big Brown Bessie.’ Backing up one too many times,
and an inch too much, I heard a crunch. Dismounting my vehicle I realized I’d
backed into someone’s private vehicle.
Given the
almost insignificant results of my vehicular shenanigans, and considering the
hopelessness of locating the owner of the automobile amongst the vast crowd, I
made the momentary decision to …depart the premises. I can only wonder if Jim
or Jane noticed his or her front bumper the next morning, noted the unusual
paint residue, and exclaimed,
“That potty
brown color looks a lot like the Big Bessie my UPS man drives.”
If so, the
powers that be remained uninformed and I kept on keeping on.
Speaking of
accidents, UPS drivers were allowed one a year; ‘whether we needed it or not.’
And when our mileage and number of starts and stops were taken into
consideration, it was a minor grace, indeed.
There was
the time that I drove a bit too close to an offending tree branch, and heard
the all too familiar sound of paint being scraped from Old Bessie. Pulling my
aluminum friend over to the curb, I unsnapped my seat belt, negotiated the
three steps on the passenger side of the vehicle, and ‘took a gander’ at my
handiwork. “Yep,” I thought. “I did a job on it.” (And indeed, I had). It goes
without saying that given a scenario such as this, our drivers were expected to
report the infraction. And it goes without saying that such a report, no matter
how minor, was ‘added to the tab.’ (Needless to say, a second infraction was
grounds for termination).
At that
time, (and perhaps thirty years later) it was usual for our mechanic to ‘brush
stroke’ the offended area with UPS custom tint, and send it on its way; with a
permanent shot of spray paint later in the week. And given this variable I made
the precarious decision to drive my injured metal friend in the direction of
the nearest car and truck hospital. Pulling up to paint shop, I jumped out,
walked briskly to the window, and (minus any specifics) asked whether they had
any paint of the desirable shade. They did. And before I left the paint shop, I
did; with a brush to go with it. That evening I chose a little traveled route
towards my local UPS center, pulled onto the shoulder of the road, and applied
a modest bit of potty brown paint to the wounded area. Did I mention I kept a
few ounces of the stuff in my stash at home should history repeat itself?
(Well, I did).
Pt. 2
Christmas at
UPSwas the ‘funnest’ time of the year. (Not).
Our workload
doubled. And it wasn’t unusual to find one’s self with a couple dozen remaining
delivery packages as midnight approached. Did I mention that midnight was our
curfew? Did I mention our boss took a dim view of a driver bringing back more
than one or two undelivered parcels? (Well, he did).
One evening
in December, as ‘the bewitching hour’ approached, I pulled up to my next
delivery stop, slung open the bulkhead door and cast my eyes upon a couple
dozen undelivered packages on the 4th shelf, bottom. As ‘Mrs.
Fairfax’ of the volume and movie, “Jane Eyre” was heard to say,
“What to do?
What to do?”
Since my
home was situated on my delivery route, I often dropped by for lunch. This time
around I dropped by for a different reason. Backing my UPS truck up to my
garage, I lifted the heavy door and unloaded my remaining packages onto the
concrete floor. I summarily entered the number and affiliated address of each
of the packages on my delivery pad with the notation each had been left at the
front or side door. Did I mention what I’d just accomplished was contrary to
everything holy? Well, it was. (At least, when it came to the UPS bible).
Having
returned home that evening my wife and I loaded the offending packages into the
back seat and trunk of our car, and (you guessed it) navigated the remaining
several streets of a nearby mobile home park; tip-toeing my inanimate darlings
to 4537 Redwood and 4657 Oakwood, etc. etc. etc., until every last package had
been delivered.
And then
there were the dogs.
Closer to
the beginning, than the ending of my tenure, my route included both businesses
and residences in one quadrant of a small city. And several times a month my
deliveries included street numbers on 5th Street, SE. I can tell you
that 5th Street, SE was very much like any other street in “Winter
Haven,” (the location of the famous, “Cypress Gardens,”) with one exception,
… a pesky,
non-descript dog which chased my truck every time I rolled past the house, (or
more succinctly, the yard) in which he resided.
And I can
tell you, I wearied of my frequent confrontation with the little mongrel. To my
credit, however, I did not run the beast into the ground, as a truck driver
once did my own dog. Nevertheless, I formulated a plan of attack.
There just
happened to be a 7-11 located near the infamous site of my all-too frequent
encounters with “Rover.” And on a particular day when I was scheduled to
deliver a couple of packages “on the street where he lived” I pulled into the
parking lot of that convenience store, hopped down the steps of my vehicle,
walked into the door, stepped up to the beverage machine, pulled a “Big Gulp”
cup from the holder, placed it under the ice dispenser, and finally, filled it
to the brim with syrupy, brown Coca-Cola.
Returning to
my truck, I hopped back up the steps from whence I came, sat down, buckled my
seat belt, started the engine, and aimed my truck towards my next destination.
I suppose if I’d given my mission a code name, it might well have been
…
Destination Dog
As I
approached my little friend’s grassy hangout, I saw him rush into the road, and
suddenly he was “neck and neck” with the front tire of my truck. However,
unlike dozens of those previous animate/inanimate races which had transpired in
the past, this time, rather than applying the gas, I applied the brake, turned
off the ignition, grabbed the Big Gulp, rushed down the steps, chased down old
Rover, and
… poured
that nice, brown, syrupy mess all over the poor pooch!
And never so
much as looking back, I retraced my path to the truck, hopped up the steps,
mounted the driver’s seat, strapped the seat belt around me, turned on the
ignition, and drove away; leaving the hapless critter “to his own devices.”
Needless to
say, dear readers, old Rover never chased # 59299 again.
And I think
I know why!
(To be
continued)
As the sun
set on the western horizon, I generally found myself on Thornhill Road, and
when my last package was recent history I pulled over into a grassy area of a
mobile home park to complete my paperwork.
One August
day I repeated the same closing ceremony which I had repeated many times
before. With one unique difference. As I pulled away and prepared to turn right
in pursuit of the local UPS center, my back tandem tires rolled over
…something. There was no mistaking it. Bump! Bump! Unbuckling my seatbelt I
negotiated the three steps to the street,
…and saw him
lying in the grass where he had crawled; after I’d so rudely rolled over him
with my 3.5 ton Brown Bessie.
The German
Shepherd lay dying, and there was little or nothing I could do about it. After
a few remaining spasms his ribcage relaxed, and with a soft gasp, he breathed
his last. To say I felt badly would have been a gross understatement. The dog
had apparently crawled up under my truck to escape the heat, and when I cranked
the engine he’d had very little time to rouse himself before…
I attempted
to locate his owner to report the situation, but to no avail. No one seemed to
know anything about the unfortunate canine, but having notified my supervisor,
I was forced to leave the beast lying in the spot where he’d crawled; after
having been so rudely dispatched. Funny, it is only in the last few minutes
that I have reflected on the notion that, after the mishap took place, the poor
beast crawled out from under the vehicle.
Ever since
that fateful day I have mentally branded the animal with the name, “Shadow;”
since he’d found his way under my delivery vehicle, and into the shadows, to
escape the heat of the day. As a spiritual person I tend to believe all pets go
to heaven; at least those which we claim for heaven. And would it surprise you
to know, I expect to see Shadow there? (Well, I do). One of the first things I
plan to do, one of the first actions I plan to take when I arrive there is
…to
apologize to Shadow for having dispatched him before his time, and so rudely
robbing him of a long and happy life.
Pt. 4
George
Baird, my supervisor, was riding with me that day. From time to time, and only
a couple minutes before I pulled out of the building, (and much to my chagrin)
he’d surprise me with a,
“Hey Bill,
I’ll be riding with you today.”
And with
that, he’d slip a portable jump seat into the passenger frame of the cab, and
off we’d go.
The day had
been somewhat uneventful, as George and I rolled up and down the streets and
boulevards of Winter Haven until… I discovered a package I’d neglected to
deliver. Well, I can tell you I wasn’t real impressed, and I knew my supervisor
would be even less impressed than me to have to retrace the path from whence
we’d come. And thus, I transgressed another verse in the UPS bible. Not unlike
Aiken of old, I hid my little treasure amongst a multitude of pickup packages
in the back of my truck. And before the day was over, I did it a second time.
And it seemed that old George was none the wiser for it;
…with the
emphasis on ‘seemed.’
For you see,
when we pulled into the UPS center, and I opened the back bulkhead so the truck
could be unloaded, George B. joined me on the dock, and pulled out one, and
then the second of my hidden treasures.
“Bill, can
you tell me what this is all about?”
He’d known
all the time, but decided to wait ‘til we returned to address my little
transgression.
I suppose I
‘hemmed and hauled around’ a moment, and finally countered with the most common
lie of all time.
“Uh, I
really don’t know.”
(and)
“I had no
idea they were there.”
Well,
suffice it to say Old George had pity on poor deceitful little me for, as I
recall, he merely shook his head, and walked away. After he left, I retrieved
the parcels and stuck them on the first shelf so that they could be delivered
the next day. (“Grace and Mercy there was free.” At least on that particular
day).
And did I
tell you about the nudist?
(I can tell
you, I LOL when I recall the event).
I was well
on my way to the conclusion of my work day when I turned right on Lake Eloise
Drive. And since I had a delivery package for #769, (a fictional number, but a
very real happening) I pulled off the road, retrieved the parcel and walked
down the driveway to the house. A wall minus a garage door separated me from
the domicile now. And as I walked around the wall, and into the carport, I
found myself face to face with
…a very
naked man!
“Mr. Smith”
had apparently been swimming in the adjoining creek, and upon returning to his
garage had divested himself of his bathing suit; with the intent of opening his
front door and retrieving his street clothes.
You would
have thought I caught him robbing a bank!
“Oh my! Oh
no! I’m sorry! Please don’t tell anybody you saw me like this!”
Well, he
couldn’t have been any more surprised than me, and no doubt I promised to keep
his little secret.
I just
caught myself in another lie.
Oddly
enough, now two decades into my retirement, I am still delivering packages for
“the greatest ship in the shipping business” but only… in my dreams. For at
least once a month, in that ethereal nether world we call sleep, I find myself
with a few packages whose addresses I don’t recognize; and running desperately
late.
I’ve
considered sending a bill to UPS for my ongoing services.
**As I may have implied, while I make no excuse for several instances of deceit during the course of my service to UPS, the intensive and sometimes unfair expectations of this delivery service prompted me, (and others) to sometimes stretch the truth or tell the untruth.
by William McDonald, PhD. Excerpt from (Mc)Donald's Daily Diary. Pt. 22. Copyright Pending.
If you wish to share, save or copy, please include the credit line, above
by William McDonald, PhD. Excerpt from (Mc)Donald's Daily Diary. Pt. 22. Copyright Pending.
If you wish to share, save or copy, please include the credit line, above
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