A SOLICITOR'S NIGHTMARE

I have previously written about the topic, and this submission may be very much like an earlier one, but I’m inclined to address it anyway.

Some time ago, and as the result of “being pestered to death,” I mounted a sign next to my doorbell which contained that age-old, two word adage, 
 
“No Soliciting”

…To no avail.

For no sooner had I placed the sign than, (you guessed it)

“Ding Dong”

Which was my cue to open the door to whatever next unfortunate contestant had, without the least foresight, announced their happy presence there.

I don’t get angry. I simply don’t, 

(… but there’s exceptions to every rule).
ISIS

Pedophiles 

Bumper-Huggers

Left-Laners

(and) 

…Unsolicited Solicitors. 

And to be fair, as a Christian I attempt to maintain my composure in relation to the latter three of the five; given they maintain a distant 3^rd, 4^th, and 5th on this shameful list.

Only yesterday a nominee for 5^th place alerted me to his unlucky appearance on my doormat, and I responded before he so much as uttered a word.

“Uh, sorry partner, did your first grade teacher give you an ‘F’ in reading?”

I’m happy to say I didn’t combine that series of thirteen words into a sentence, (but that’s not to say I didn’t feel like it).

In actuality, the sentence I chose was closer to,

“Why do you feel you are an exception to this two word admonition?” (While pointing to the sign).

And not surprisingly the seller of whatever he was selling attempted to provide me a bit of non-insightful insight about his motivation for ringing my bell; (when he might just as well have been fishing for sea bass or tending honey bees).

I once exchanged my store-bought notification with a homemade one; just to see if my version would render any better results.

Having brainstormed a bit, I sat down at my keyboard and pecked out the following ditty:

IF YOU ARE SELLING WATCHTOWER MAGAZINES, HOME SECURITY SYSTEMS, DANCE LESSONS, OR BURIAL PLOTS. GO AWAY. WE’RE ALL STOCKED UP HERE!

Finishing the task, I cut the paper into the appropriate size, placed it inside a plastic CD cover, and superglued it next to my doorbell.

…To no avail.

Recently, I saw a cute video on YouTube purporting to be a real-life example of what one man did to deter unsolicited solicitors. 

As the scene falls together and the victim steps onto the porch, the first thing he or she notices is the face of an ogre mounted in place of the doorknocker. What happens next is both humorous to the viewer, and hazardous to the unsolicited solicitor.

A grimace appears on the otherwise ugly countenance of the ogre, and it suddenly breaks into a diatribe of warnings and rebukes.

“Why have you come to disturb the serenity of this beautiful day?”

(and)

“Life was sweet until you disgraced my porch with your unwelcome presence, you lowly mortal”

(and)

“Leave! Leave Now! Or you will rue the day you trifled with the likes of me!”

And as the unwelcome guest turns to leave, and hurries down the front steps, an ugly six foot imp, next to an ornate fountain, comes to life, and chases the solicitor to his vehicle!

I suppose short of cutting a head-sized hole in my front door, spray painting my face, and hanging out in that rather tedious position for hours at a time, I may as well get used to unsolicited solicitors. 

After all, I would rather entertain their unwelcome presence, than terrorists and pedophiles any day.

By William McDonald, PhD. Excerpt from "(Mc)Donald's Daily Diary" Vol. 55. Copyright pending

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