WHEN A RELATIONSHIP ENDS

I was “talking” with someone on social media today about one of her posts which stated,

“Stop feeling bad for outgrowing people that had the chance to grow with you!”

And I responded,

“Sometimes it is difficult to see people leave, or to have to leave them. But we experience chapters in our lives,… and some chapters aren’t meant to be read more than once.”

God knows, I have “been there.” And, as a result, I have learned some difficult lessons. And I thought it might be helpful to someone to enumerate some guidelines which have flowed out of those lessons.

(The following guidelines apply to same, or opposite gender relationships which are both platonic, and potentially long-lasting and quality in nature).

1.     Some relationships are temporary in nature, while some last as long as both parties live and move and breathe.

2.   When one person loves and values the relationship more than the other does, it is destined for failure, and disaster is just around the corner.

3.   If and when a relationship has formed, and it seems to be “cut in stone,” it is crucial that the pair establish, (usually by trial and error) what they think of as norms, and which contribute to function in the relationship. For example, will it be a “hi-bye” kind of thing? Or does each have similar expectations of the relationship?

4.   As I have implied in the first principle, there may well come a time when one or both parties tire of the relationship, for any number of reasons, and make a decision to move on.

5.    “Letting go” is virtually the most difficult thing anyone will ever be required to do. However, the harder you pursue someone who has gone their own way, the more emotional damage you do to yourself.

6.   There is a time and a place to “give up” and “give in.” And the sooner, the better. If one person has said, “It’s over,” the other person would be wise to agree to disagree, “do a 180,” and “depart the premises.”

7.    When a relationship ends, one must often take time to grieve. The grief process generally includes shock, anger, anxiety or depression, and should end with acceptance.

8.   Some books aren’t meant to be re-read, and some chapters should remain closed; once they have been read the first time. Not unlike putting a “No Fishing” sign next to a headstone. The rot and deterioration which may have accompanied the desolation of a failed relationship, once considered, once grieved, once passed through is “better left to its own devices,” and walked away from.

9.   Forgiveness is paramount, even if the other party believes they have done nothing to be forgiven for. For you see, forgiveness is more for the one who has been hurt, than the one who has done the hurt, and forgiveness is a whole lot more about speaking words, than feeling a certain emotion. The emotions may have to catch up.

by William McDonald, PhD. Copyright pending

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