GRACE

Pt. 1

It would be helpful at the onset to make you aware that I served as the Staff Counselor at Calvary Assembly in Winter Haven, Florida for fifteen years; to my knowledge the longest tenure of any staff member in the history of this particular church.

It was the early part of the new century, perhaps 2002, and I was standing in the lobby of the church, waiting on a client, when a young Hispanic man entered through one of the four large glass doors.

The young man whom I soon learned was named “Jose” (not his actual name) spoke.

“Is the pastor here?” (and) “Would I be able to speak to him?”

I responded to his question.

“Uhmmm, no, he walked by me a few minutes ago. He had a couple of errands to do uptown.”

Jose looked disappointed, and replied,

“Well, I really needed to talk to him.” (and) “I guess I’ll try to talk with him tomorrow.”

He gave me a cursory wave, and walked out the same door he had walked in a couple minutes earlier.

I didn’t think much about it, but I would “rue the day” I ever met Jose. For you see, the following week I received a call.

“Hello, Dr. McDonald. This is ‘Shirley Ortiz.’ I’m Jose’s wife. He told me he ran into you in the lobby of the church the other day. I wonder if we can set up an appointment to meet with you?”

Of course, this is what I did (and continue to do). As a pastoral counselor I routinely offered my counseling services to people in and outside the church; those who could remunerate me, and those who could not.

Pt. 2

It is not my purpose here to detail every facet of Jose’s and Shirley’s counseling process, (or as it fell together plural counseling processes) nor could I at this stage, as I initially met with them a couple of decades ago, and I have long since destroyed my notes from that time period.

Other than their occupations, (Jose owned a car detailing business, and Shirley was a housewife), two criteria, in particular, stand out for me. Jose was a chronic substance abuser and Shirley was a chronic mother figure to her husband. And it goes without saying that the combination of these two variables made their lives geometrically more dysfunctional than they would have otherwise been. It isn’t an exaggeration to say that Jose and Shirley are easily among my top five most memorable cases among multiplied thousands which I have counseled over the past thirty years.

Jose proved to be a repentant kind of guy; that is when he wasn’t fixated on using illegal substances. He set aside six days a week for the former advocation, and “on the seventh day, he rested.” Well, each Sunday he and his wife were faithful to attend church, and without fail, as the morning service concluded, Jose would rush to the altar, kneel at the railing, and cry his little heart out; only to get up, go out, and resume his use of marijuana, cocaine, crack, ecstasy, and sundry and assorted other substances Monday morning.

Pt. 3

I recall that Shirley was especially hard on Jose, and one might expect any wife would be given his propensity for substance abuse. However, it seemed obvious that she would have “ridden the negative train” with him had he been the finest figure of a man who ever walked the earth. There was little or no doubt, Shirley “wore the pants” in the family. She absolutely dominated Jose which, no doubt, contributed to his use of substances.

As I have inferred, over the course of a couple or three years, Jose and Shirley attended two or three full length series of counseling sessions. And it was always Shirley who contacted me, and asked to resume the process.

Ultimately, the pastor of the church asked me to offer group work related to life-controlling issues, as well as a group for the families and friends of those who attended the 12 Step program. And given I served at the pleasure of the pastor, I agreed to supervise an addictions program and a Codependent Behavior program.

And as you might imagine, Jose and Shirley attended these groups on a regular basis. They showed up like clockwork. However, while it seemed the majority of my Codependent Behavior group members benefited from the weekly process, the majority of my 12 Step group members seemed stuck, and too many of them continued to use. When I asked them why they didn’t contact their sponsor when they were tempted to use, it was like, “Well, duh. Why would I? I didn’t want to be talked out of it!”

Pt. 4

Meanwhile, Jose continued to “slip and slide.” While he experienced a modest degree of success, he always returned to his illegal substances “like a dog to its vomit.” Eventually, I made a suggestion to Jose.

“You know, you have sat with me in counseling numerous times, and you have recently had the benefit of a spiritually-oriented 12 Step program. But you continue to make bad choices! I think you should strongly consider a residential program. And I am familiar with such a program in South Florida. You would have to commit to a full year.”

Well, initially, Jose was non-committal. “No, I just can’t be away from my business for a year. It just isn’t possible.” However, I refused to give up, and I made the same suggestion several times. Until, finally, Jose agreed to check himself into this residential program. And in the  meantime, Shirley stayed at home, and ran the car detailing business. After a few months, Shirley and the other spouses of the residents there were invited to participate in a series of counseling sessions. As a result, Shirley drove the hundred miles which separated her from her husband, and drove back home afterwards, on a weekly basis for a couple of months.

Pt. 5

The day finally came for Jose to return to what might be described as “a productive life in society.” (Well, it was a good theory anyway).

For after he had been home two weeks, I received a call from, (you guessed it) Shirley.

“Dr. Bill, hmmm. Jose and I need to come see you (again).”

To which I responded,

“Hmmm, I don’t think that’s a good idea, Shirley. You guys have done counseling with me numerous times. You both have attended your own group process. Jose has spent a year in a residential program. You and he have done weekly counseling on the premises of that program. I think you need a new, unbiased counselor now. I feel I have done all that I can do for you.”

To which Shirley responded,

“No, we know you. We are comfortable with you. Please do a few more sessions with us.”

I reluctantly agreed.

And on a given day and time, Jose and Shirley walked across the threshold of my office (again). I gathered some updated information, and they both agreed to be held accountable with their own tailor-made accountability contracts; which were based on their apparent issues and needs.

And thus, over the next few weeks, (three or four weeks, as I recall) I would begin each session with a series of questions. And the one question, in particular, with which I began with Jose was,

“Have you used any illegal substances this week?”

And on this particular day, Jose responded with,

“Well, yes. Yes, I have.”

(and)

“Honestly, Dr. Bill, I spent all my profits this week on coke.” (And we’re not talking about the soft drink).

Pt. 6

Dear readers, I am not ashamed to say that I “flipped out.” All the pent up frustration which had been building for several years, as I sacrificed my time and efforts for this couple, rose to the surface.

As a result, I did something I had never done before, nor have I done since that day. I jumped up out of my chair, and screamed at Jose and Shirley.

“Get out of my office! You don’t owe me anything for today’s session. Just get out! And don’t ever come back!”

And lest you have any doubt, that sort of behavior is just SO foreign to me. With this, Jose and Shirley jumped up from the sofa almost as quickly as I had jumped out of my chair. Their faces were ashen. Neither they, nor I had expected this. Turning on their heels, and without so much as a word, they walked the six or eight steps to the door, opened it, navigated the staircase, stepped into the lobby, left the church, got into their car, and made their way home.

I never saw Jose and Shirley again.

I admit. Over the next few days after my momentary tirade, I experienced a bit of guilt, and even felt a bit of compassion for Jose and Shirley. (Though for the life of me, I don’t know why). As a result, I finally wrote the couple a note and mailed it to them.

“Jose and Shirley, I regret we weren’t able to achieve any positive results from our latest series of counseling sessions. However, to be honest, I haven’t witnessed all that much effort from either of you in changing your behavior patterns. Our last session didn’t end well, but honestly, I was beyond frustrated when you, Jose, admitted you were using illegal substances, two weeks after you returned from a one year residential program! While I will never agree to counsel you again, you might consider enlisting the assistance of a different counselor. I wish you well.”

Afterward

In the movie, “A River Runs Through It” there is a poignant scene in which a pastor stands before his congregation and shares the following words,

 

“Each one of us here today will,

 

at one time in our lives...

 

 

look upon a loved one who is in need

 

and ask the same question.

 

 

‘We are willing to help, Lord...

 

 

but what, if anything, is needed?’

 

 

 

It is true we can seldom help

 

those closest to us.

 

 

 

Either we don't know what part

 

of ourselves to give...

 

 

 

  

or more often than not,

 

the part we have to give...

 

 

 

is not wanted.

 

 

 

And so, it is those we live with

 

and should know who elude us...

 

 

 

but we can still love them.

 

 

 

We can love completely...

 

 

 

without complete understanding.”

 

 

While I cannot pretend that the immeasurable love and grace which our Lord exudes and which lies innate within Him adequately characterizes my words and behavior over the course of seventy plus years, I am assured that I came as close as I would ever come in my attempt to love and care for this couple, restore them to function, and challenge them to complete the destinies with which God had endowed them before He made the worlds.

by William McDonald, PhD. Copyright pending