I'M GETTING READY FOR MY MOTHER IN LAW - Lyrics

(from a 1917 Victrola recording)

My dear wife met me at the door, letter in her hand,
Said: mother soon will visit us--now isn't that just grand;
She says she'll stay about six months or longer if she can,
If she don't come I know I'll be a disappointed man:

[chorus]
I'm getting ready for my mother-in-law,
Getting ready for the fun,
When she puts her face inside the place
She'd better take it on the run,
If she should stay for just one day,
I can hear the church bells chime;
Oh! mother, mother, mother, mother mother,
You'll have a dandy time.

[verse 2]
I taught my bulldog how to bite, parrot how to swear,
I sawed the springs and legs and things from our best rocking chair;
sprinkled soap on the kitchen floor and polished it with fat,
If she falls down and breaks her neck, can I be blamed for that?

[repeat chorus]

[verse 3]
I fixed a little room for her
Without one window pane,
Turned on the steam
And fixed it so it won't turn off agin.
No pictures on the wall at all,
It looks just like a cell,
When she gets in bed,
She'll think that she is in hell.

(repeat chorus)

[verse 4]
Somebody wrote a song one time
Which made me awful mad,
The song said, everybody worked
Excepting poor old dad.
If he could see me now a days,
I know he'd change his tune,
I'm working like a truck horse now,
From morning, night till noon.

(repeat chorus)

[verse 5]
I'll take her to the Hippodrome,
Get seats right near the stage,
I want to be real sure that she
Is near the lion's cage.
I've heard of lions breaking loose,
Don't think that I'm a dunce,
But things like that are almost sure,
To happen more than once.

(repeat chorus)

[verse 6]
I'll hire an automobile,
This fact I told my wife,
She said, ain't you afraid something
Might happen mother's life?
Such questions make me sick,
I know that something must happen,
And happen mighty quick.

(repeat chorus)

[verse 7]
She'll want to visit Brooklyn Bridge,
But she'll get such a shock,
I'll fix it so we reach the bridge
Some night near six o'clock;
Each night from six to five,
And she can thank her lucky stars,
If she comes out alive.

(repeat chorus)