Charlotte's Regrets

I was reading Elizabeth Gaskell’s, “The Life of Charlotte Bronte” yesterday, and came across a letter which the subject of her biography, the author of “Jane Eyre,” wrote to a close female friend. It struck me very poignant and compelling.

(It is important to note that in the early 19^th century women often referred to one another in endearing terms, and nothing carnal should be construed here). Based upon this letter, Charlotte Bronte seems to have experienced some degree of spiritual melancholy, and tendency to doubt the adequacy of her preparation for the next life, and to exaggerate the power which sin consistently exercised over her.

“I wish exceedingly that I could come to you before Christmas, but it is impossible; another three weeks must elapse before I shall again have my comforter beside me, under the roof of my own dear quiet home. If I could always live with you, and daily read the Bible with you-if your lips and mine could at the same time drink the same draught, from the same pure fountain of mercy-I hope, I trust I might one day become better, far better than my evil, wandering thoughts, my corrupt heart, cold to the spirit and warm to the flesh, will now permit me to be. I often plan the pleasant life which we might live together, strengthening each other in the power of self-denial, that hallowed and glowing devotion, which the first saints of God often attained to. My eyes fill with tears when I contrast the bliss of such a state, brightened by hopes of the future, with the melancholy state I now live in, uncertain that I ever felt true contrition, wandering in thought and deed, longing for holiness, which I shall never, never obtain, smitten at times to the heart with the conviction that ghastly Calvinistic doctrines are not true-darkened, in short, by the very shadows of spiritual death. If Christian perfection be necessary to salvation, I shall never be saved; my heart is a very hotbed for sinful thoughts, and when I decide on an action I scarcely remember to look to my Redeemer for direction. I know not how to pray; I cannot bend my life to the grand end of doing good; I go on constantly seeking my own pleasure, pursuing the gratification of my own desires. I forget God, and will not God forget me? And, meantime, I know the greatness of Jehovah; I acknowledge the perfection of His word; I adore the purity of the Christian faith; my theory is right, my practice horribly wrong.”