Unique (In Honor of Mother's Day)

My mother-in-law was more of the “seen, but not heard” variety. But like many who fall into that genre of humankind, when she did say something, well,

… it was really something.

Regarding R. the two symmetrical variables most memorable to me were related to the verbal. 

She could come up with the most amazing tidbits of wisdom. And only slightly rarer than her already rare verbalizations were her well-chosen and well-timed “cuts.” 

R. knew how to cut. (If such a word adequately describes something so benevolent and well-intentioned).

And yet for any and all of her “slicing and dicing,” I think there was never really any malicious intent mixed into it. But rather, it was more like she needed to speak her mind, be heard, and make a “big enough splash” to cause her listener to reflect, and possibly rethink their foolish ways. I only wish I could remember a particular "for instance." Nonetheless, I can assure you, it was something to see.

And the other verbal variable?

My M-in-L could come up with the most hilarious, but momentarily believable retorts or responses to people with whom she possessed little or no patience.

I have long since forgotten whether I was there that day, or whether the tale was merely told to me.

At any rate, it seems R. and D. found themselves at a local restaurant one day, accompanied by one or more of their children. And apparently whoever had the misfortune of serving as their waitress hovered a bit too close, and a bit too long. And after her incessant catering continued a moment longer than a proverbial millennium, it was simply time…

“No, you cannot help me any further, Miss. You have helped me enough, thank you! I can’t eat my dinner for dealing with all your ‘kind’ assistance!”

And there was the time that one or the other phone solicitor rang and offered her a deal which she “could not refuse.” (Apparently something related to in-home steak delivery or new brand of milk).

And realizing that the highest and noblest she could hope for included getting on a “do not call list” (before do not call lists were in vogue), she responded.

“Well, now, let me see. Do you take food stamps?”

To which the solicitor sheepishly replied,

“Uh, no ma’am. I’m sorry. I bid you a good day.”

And speaking of R.’s unique ability to “think on her feet,” one of the best stories I ever heard also involved one of those pesky solicitors.

“Ma’am, my name is ‘Jim’ and I’d like to offer you the opportunity of a lifetime. We here at your local Arthur Murray studios would like to give you one free dance lesson. No strings attached.”

Without so much as a pause, R. exclaimed,

“I’m sorry, honey. That sounds real nice, but,

… I only have one leg!

My mother-in-law, as good and quiet and unassuming as she generally was, continues to be one of the most unique and memorable people I ever knew.


 By William McDonald, PhD.  Excerpt from "(Mc)Donald's Daily Diary," Vol. 36. Copyright pending

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