The Adult Breast Feeder (I know. Its a rather provocative title).

In a previous blog, "Condemned to Die. Destined to Live," I shared a mythological, (but potentially realistic) story of an elderly man, guilty of some unknown crime, condemned to death, and locked away in some dank, dark ancient prison cell, to languish, without sustenance; until he died a miserable death.

However, the old gentleman was allowed one visitor a day, and since in all the world only his daughter remained to him, she appeared “like clockwork,” and on a daily basis, to spend his few remaining days with him.

But as Paul Harvey was prone to insinuate, there was a “rest of the story.”

For you see, the aged man’s daughter was a nursing mother; having just delivered a baby boy. (And perhaps even if you didn’t take the opportunity to read my last blog, you can pretty well guess the outcome of this amazing story).

For you see, while the guards were busy doing whatever guards do, and all the while intently staring at the small window in her father’s prison cell, “Margaret” proceeded to unbutton her blouse, bear a breast,

…and suckle her father.

Days went by, and then weeks, and instead of experiencing failing health, growing emaciated, and ultimately dying, the old man thrived, gained weight and developed a rosy countenance. Of course, the prison officials were astounded; never suspecting the truth of the matter.

And ultimately, the old man was released to go home; the warden and guards having been none the wiser, but rather, convinced that a miracle had occurred in their midst.

There are many artistic renditions of this story, all entitled “Roman Charity,” and while I considered posting one of those illustrations, due to the nature and sensitivity of the theme, I thought it best to allow you to do your own word search, and discover one or more renditions of this painting, yourself.

And though I put a different “spin” on the moral of this story in my previous daily blog, allow me to approach the topic in an altogether different manner today. For rather than giving the foregoing story, and artistic likeness which resulted from it, some noble title like its actual one, “Roman Charity,” I have in this case taken it upon myself to assign a baser, and rather startling moniker to it.

(Be patient. We’ll get there).

But as we drift closer to my alternate dissection of this strange story, allow me to share another equally strange, and slightly sensitive story with you.

There is a tradition that in olden times a particular Chinese baby was awarded the royal title; due to the death of his father, the aged emperor. At the time of his ascension to the throne, the child was a nursing infant. And for whatever reason, his mother continued to breast feed him

…until the age of 13!

(I know. The word, “bizarre” is an understatement).

And if you haven’t figured out the new and revised title I’ve assigned to the old story and artistic representations of it, (and simply for the purpose of the following teaching) it is, (drum roll, please)

… “The Adult Breast-feeder”

For there are those among us who (figuratively) and on an ongoing basis allow another adult, (generally a family member) to sap the very lifeblood out of them. There exists in this country hundreds of thousands of households in which such a dysfunctional relationship plays itself out 24/7/365.

The psychological terminology which has been assigned to this malady is “Codependent Behavior.”

My own characterization of this type of relationship involves the presence of both a Codependent, an individual providing “nourishment,” (re. the daughter in the famous painting), and a Dependent, an individual receiving nourishment, (re. the father in this same work of art).

Someone gives ‘til it hurts. Someone takes, and (admittedly unlike the father in the famous painting) seemingly has little or no empathy towards the individual from whom he takes.

Not so very different from the symbiotic representation of the father and daughter in the story and painting, “Roman Charity.” The Codependent adult (figuratively) bears the breast, and invites the Dependent adult to suck the very life out of them.

And lest my readers are oblivious to the presence of this malady in our midst, (not unlike a gorilla in the middle of the room) THE variable in this relational pattern is primarily, (though there are other secondary possibilities)

…MONEY

He or she who, as an adult, should be “out and on their own” depends on a mother, or father, grandparent, uncle, aunt, brother, sister or friend for their entire financial wherewithal; often unwilling to work a productive job, (though he or she has all their limbs, and all the cognitive ability required to procure a position and earn their own income).

Again and again, the Dependent individual poses such questions, (either verbally or implicitly) as:

“Will you pay my bills?”

“Will you cover my child support?”

“Will you let me live with you, (‘til Hell freezes over”)?

(or)

And this is where we consider other possible ramifications,

“Will you allow me to slap you about the head and shoulders as often as I feel like it”?

“When I’m high on drugs, will you call my boss and tell him I’m sick with the flu”?

“Would you drive up to the store and buy me a fifth of whiskey, and carton of cigarettes”?

And the possible scenarios are infinite in number.

Ultimately, (and this is the saddest “cut” of all) while he or she who practices Codependent Behavior believes they are merely following “The Golden Rule” or following Christ’ command to “love thy neighbor as thyself,” in essence the Codependent person limits the maturity, responsibility and functionality of the individual who has been taught to depend on their goodwill.  At some point, and in the most chronic cases, he or she “who offers the breast” begins to act intuitively, and takes those same age-old dysfunctional actions on behalf of the “Feeder”

…without even being asked to do so.

Ultimately, the Codependent’s entire focus and priority becomes intermeshed and intertwined with those of the Dependent, and the former’s sacrificial efforts play out day after day, week after week, month after month,

…year after year.

And both parties are forever

…STUCK!!!

World without end. Amen!

Obviously, it is imperative that such dysfunctional relational cycles be broken. As a counselor I have referred to this course of action as, “Breaking Cycles.” While it is not the purpose of this particular blog to outline in detail every ingredient of such an undertaking, suffice it to say both the individual who displays Codependent tendencies and the individual who displays Dependent symptoms must first recognize, and affirm such dysfunction exists in their lives.

And having recognized “the beast,” it is imperative at least one, and preferably both parties make an irrevocable, on purpose Decision to overcome the impact of this malady in their lives. It goes without saying that the very nature of such dysfunctional behavior patterns often requires the presence of a counselor or support group.

 

(By William McDonald, PhD. Excerpt from "Concepts, Teachings, Practicalities & Stories")