Tuesday, May 30, 2023

MY MONKEY & ME

 4069

I suppose I was 12 or 13 when that I “put in” with my mother to buy a pet monkey. In those days you could purchase squirrel monkeys in pet shops, though to my knowledge one would need a special pet handling license to do so now.

At any rate, the day dawned when mama succumbed to my wishes and drove me to the local pet shop, and we proceeded to browse the “monkey section” of the store. Of course, given that we lived in a lightly inhabited area of the state, you might imagine the selection was a bit thin. I suppose there may have been all of two or three monkeys from which to choose.

To this day I don’t recall what sort of home-going receptacle the store keeper packed the little critter in, nor the name which I ultimately gave him, nor what I fed him, but we someone managed to do the deed, and he was mine.

To say I was ill-prepared to take care of the tiny imp would be an understatement, since when we got home I placed the little guy in a relatively small cage behind the house, and did whatever amateurish things I did to care for him. And I might well have added one more item to the list of variables in the previous paragraph.

How long I had him.

Almost six decades have come and gone since that season in my life, but if memory serves me well, the little tyke “came and went” during the course of a few days.

It soon became apparent that there would be no holding of, nor playing with my newfound “friend,” since to do so would have resulted in a mauling of the hands, shoulders, neck and face I would not soon forget. And I can be quite sure this was the case, since before I “knew better” he gave me a couple of unexpected scratches and bites which put me on my guard for some rare tropical disease.

It may have been the same week I adopted him, or the next that I gingerly opened the door of his cage to feed him a banana or bunch of grapes, when he darted out said door, and scrambled up a nearby oak tree. As I reflect upon it now there can be little doubt that he’d been longingly looking up into the tree above him, and making plans to escape; as surely as you can say, “Shawshank Redemption.”

And as “Mrs. Fairfax” of the book and movie, “Jane Eyre” might have mused,

“What to do? What to do?”

There seemed to be little that I could do. I recall standing beneath that old oak tree, looking up, and he sat among the top branches of the tree, looking down. It was then that I shouted a few choice four letter words, kicked over the cage, and stood there watching the little guy celebrate his escape for an hour or more. No doubt, I enlisted the help of my dad, and no doubt he informed me of the hopelessness of my predicament. Like putting toothpaste back into a tube, no coxing managed to lure the creature back into the cage.

There was little I could do but set a course for my nearby back door, and leave the fate of my fuzzy friend to Providence.

Odd how sometimes we never know the ultimate outcome of this or that momentary occurrence, or sometimes we live out multiplied decades; when things suddenly become as recognizable as a completed thousand piece puzzle. 

It was only last year that I happened to mention that ancient one-monkey zoo, and the occupant thereof, to my brother, Wayne. And it was then that I saw something register in his eyes. For it seems he was endowed with a missing piece of that puzzle, and had “kept it in his pocket” for well over half a century.

“I heard that little critter lived in those trees surrounding Mr. Pickens’ house for years.”

My brother’s informational tidbit caught me off guard, and no doubt I responded with a,

“Say what?”

Mr. Pickens owned a commercial plant nursery which was located a few hundred yards from my house, and I worked part-time for him after school during my teen years. But in spite of this, I’d never heard this story, and I found myself relieved that the tiny ape had managed to survive longer than I might have hoped at the time.

The State of Florida is home to numerous exotic native and non-native species. Black bears, panthers, alligators, crocodiles, boa constrictors, manatees, and monkeys of every breed and variety prowl the swamps, forests and waterways of our peninsula.

On a peripheral note, I vividly remember my 40 day National Guard stint in Homestead after Hurricane Andrew. The 2/116 Field Artillery had “set up shop” on the property of the Metro Zoo; or what was left of it. We were informed that a research facility on the grounds of the zoo had been wiped out during this Category 5 storm, and that dozens of HIV-infected monkeys had escaped; not unlike the previous escapade of my little friend. And we were admonished, should we see one, to shoot the critter on sight. None, however were sighted, and none, however were shot. It has been conjectured that these research animals made their way into the Florida Everglades, and proceeded to practice un-safe sex the past two and a half decades. As a result, there might well be hundreds of HIV-infected monkeys roaming a full third of our state.

I like to think my little friend lived out a full, contented, (though admittedly solitary) life “on the lamb.” No doubt, he was better for having made his escape from his outdoor prison, and from the well-intended, but amateurish likes of me.

Somehow I’m glad he, like all those other exotic creatures which populate my native environment, was given the opportunity to live and to die free, and that in my latter years I was provided with some understanding of his ultimate fate.

I am once again reminded that knowledge is a gift. Not unlike the recognition which comes with the completion of a tedious puzzle.

I can see him now; enjoying those wild, ecstatic moments amongst the branches.

by Bill McDonald, PhD 

Monday, May 29, 2023

THE BLOOD AND SUFFERING OF THE REVOLUTION

 4068

My quadruple Great Grandparents Thomas and Susanna (Harrington) Hightower were living on the Tygar River near Spartanburg, South Carolina in 1780. Having heard the plea for additional manpower, Thomas joined Colonel Benjamin Roebuck’s Colonial Regiment. While he was away on military duty, a militia group referred to as Tories, those American colonists loyal to the King of England, stormed the Hightower homestead and burst into my ancient grandmother’s house.

Following is an account I have written based on the events of that evening:

Susanna had been helping her son, John, with a particularly long word from his reader, and content that he had mastered one page and moved on to the next, she sat down in her rocking chair by the fire.

Suddenly the front wooden door flew open. Even in the midst of this terrible war, custom won out and she had forgotten to lock the door. Standing before her were eight heavily armed men, wearing an all-too familiar, but hated uniform. Susanna screamed for the children to run to the cellar. She realized that this rude intrusion was certainly no courtesy call.

Grandmother Hightower immediately recognized the leader of this band of traitors to the cause of independence. Bill Cunningham was an unusually handsome man, but known far and wide for his viciousness and unyielding retribution. It was not for no reason he had been nicknamed “Bloody Bill,” a name he apparently relished.

When the major addressed her by name, Susanna felt a shiver creep slowly up her spine, and she felt faint.

“Mrs. Hightower. You needn’t be afraid. We’re not here to hurt you. Answer a question, and we’ll be on our way, and leave you and your children alone.”

Somehow Susanna doubted the sincerity of his words.

“I know your husband has joined that vagabond band of misfits who are determined to put an end to everything we hold dear in these colonies. Well, Ma’am, we’re not going to let that happen.”

My grandmother started to speak,

“Sir, I protest…”

Bloody Bill cut her off.

“You’re not in the position to protest anything. Sit back down… NOW!”

My brave, but equally wise grandmother dropped into the rocking chair, suddenly feeling as weak as water.

“There now. That’s good. May I call you, Susanna?”

And without waiting for a reply, he continued.

“Susanna, I need you to answer me one question. Where’s your husband?”

And contrary to his earlier promise, he asked another question.

“Cat got your tongue? Where’s your husband, and who is his commanding officer?”

Susanna cleared her throat and fear registered in her voice.

“Sir, I know who you are. And I know you’re up to no good. I have no intention whatsoever, in telling you where my husband is.”

Bloody Bill’s contemptuous smile now turned downwards in a frown, and then a scowl. He would not be manipulated by the likes of a frail, little woman.

“One more chance, ma dear… if you want to live.”

Susanna realized the stakes of this not so pleasant game, and she steeled herself for the inevitable.

In a voice just above a whisper, and with tears stinging her eyes now, she sealed her fate.

“I cannot… I cannot bring myself to tell you. I have been true to my husband these twenty years. I am not about to betray him now. Do what you want, but you’ll get no answer from me.”

Well, my friends. I would like to tell you that Bloody Bill Cunningham marched right out of there, and took his band of “n’er do wells” with him… He didn’t. Turning to his chief lieutenant, he screamed,

“I’ll have none of this. No Sir, I will not. Lieutenant Morrison, kill her! Do it now!”

A look of utter amazement possessed the officer. He reached for his sword, but his hand seemed frozen in mid-air. Bloody Bill was not used to having his orders delayed, and he jerked Morrison’s sword out of the scabbard, and raised it high above his head.

My ancient grandmother had only enough time to utter the few last words she would ever speak on this side of eternity. With arms wrapped tightly about herself, she closed her eyes, and bowed her head.

“God forgive you, Bloody Bill. Dear Lord receive my spirit.”

…And the deed was done.

And I hasten to remind you that this is but one story among multiplied thousands of similar stories, which include the ancestors of those assembled here today, and which have followed us throughout all our nation’s wars.

My dear brothers and sisters.  As one holiday gives way to another, and the events we celebrate are separated from us by an increasing span of years, and ultimately, no one remains who knew any of these things first hand… it all becomes too casual, we are too prone to take our hard-fought freedoms for granted, we are too close to disregarding the sacrifice of those who went before us through the blood and suffering of the Revolution.

Let us commit ourselves to remember our dear patriot fathers and mothers anew this day, and to cherish them, and the nation which they have bequeathed to us, and that which they have won so dearly for us.

by William McDonald, PhD

Sunday, May 28, 2023

SHE FELL IN LOVE WITH - Finishing the Prefix

 4067

She fell in love with an astrologer and she had good fortune

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a used car salesman and he "sold her a bill of goods."

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a dance instructor and he "danced right out of her life."

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a policeman and he "arrested her development."

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with an archaelogist and he said she looked ancient

William McDonald

She fell in love with a guy named Moses and he said "Let me go."

William McDonald

She fell in love with a major league outfielder and he "played the field."

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a gymnast and he flipped for her

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a plumber and he developed "Plumber's Butt."

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a newscaster and she got unwelcome news

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a garbageman and everything he said was garbage

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with an Apostle and he lorded it over her

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a guy named Santa and he brought her gifts every day of the year

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a runner and he ran away

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a ventriloquist and he "talked out of both sides of his mouth."

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a pessimist and he never said anything good about her

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a monster and he did the monster mash

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with Elvis and he was spotted working at a Burger King in Boise, Idaho (You would have to know the myths about him)

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a rock star and he rocked out

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with her cousin and nicknamed him "Kissin Cousin"

 

William McDonald

She married a sex therapist and he taught her "the facts of life."

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a snake charmer and he was such a charm

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a light bulb maker and he lit up her life

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a violin maker and he fiddled around

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a puzzle manufacturer and he was such a puzzle to her

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a dictator and he dictated how she did everything

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a soldier and they were always at war

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a genius and she "never lacked for smarts."

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a marble maker and he "lost his marbles."

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a savage and he "was such a beast."

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a water treatment manager and he "poo pooed" everything she said

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a teacher and she learned to dislike him

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a seal hunter and he "grew a walrus." (as in moustache)

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a lifeguard and he rescued her from loneliness

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a podiatrist and he "walked all over her."

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a candle maker and a part-time preacher and when he preached he "waxed eloquent."

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a fireworks manufacturer and he was always "blowing up her phone."

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a licorice maker and he taught her how to twist

 

William McDonald

She married a guy named Gulliver and they traveled extensively

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with an A/C man and he was always losing his cool

 

William McDonald

She married an NFL football player and he was always "playing the field."

 

William McDonald

She married a mathematician and he "gave her what 4"

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a sunscreen maker and he was hot

 

William McDonald

She married a florist and grape grower and "her life was all wine and roses."

 

William McDonald

He married a model and discovered he didn't like the make

 

William McDonald

He went on a blind date with a lady Elephant hunter and she looked like a gorilla

 

William McDonald

She married an evangelist and discovered he wasn't "good news."

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a banker but his character was bankrupt

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a trashman who talked too much trash

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a cannibal who didn't like her cooking!

 

William McDonald

She married a pianist who tickled her ivories

 

William McDonald

She married a lion trainer who was always growling at her

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with an alligator wrestler who had a tough hide

 

William McDonald

She married a guitarist who plucked all the right strings

 

William McDonald

She married an astronaut and part-time preacher and lived on a spiritual high

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a ballroom dancer and got swept off her feet

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a pro wrestler but he got counted out

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a used car salesman but his engine conked out

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with an undertaker but he got taken by the uppertaker

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a ball player but it was three strikes and he was out

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a goldfish farmer who puckered up when he kissed

 

William McDonald

He fell in love with a receptionist but he wasn't well received

 

William McDonald

He fell in love with a lady subway driver but she gave him the shaft


William McDonald

He fell in love with a diplomat but he wasn't very diplomatic in his approach

 

William McDonald

He fell in love with an expert hop-scotcher but he hopped when he should have scotched

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a miner but he kept her in the dark

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a gambler but he was a joker

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a jigsaw puzzle maker and he fell to pieces over her

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a guy named Houdini but he managed to escape


William McDonald

She fell in love with a doorkeeper but love went out the door

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a fruit picker but he didn't pick her

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with an aging "Our Gang Comedy" actor and he turned out to be a rascal

 


William McDonald

She fell in love with an astronaut 'cause he promised her the moon

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a space alien 'cause he thought she was a cute specimen

 

William McDonald

He fell in love with a seamtress 'cause she could cut the rug

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a prophet 'cause he had a good future

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a carpenter 'cause he was very well built

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a musician 'cause he played all the right notes

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a fire walker 'cause he would walk through H_ _ _ for her

 

William McDonald

She fell in out of love with a beach bum 'cause he was all bummed out

 

She fell in love with an artist 'cause he painted her world in pastel colors


William McDonald

She fell in love with a clown cause she always wanted to see the circus

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a guy named Noah cause she always wanted to own a yacht

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a guy named Kennedy cause she always liked a Boston accent

 

William McDonald

She fell in love with a whirling dervish 'cause she was a fan of the new 360 degree photo view app