OLD FOLKS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS

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We just passed the one year anniversary of my mother’s ‘homegoing,’ and as I watched the “Sunday Morning” program, this morning, a poignant segment reminded me of her (sometimes cynical) wit; (or may well have been the result of her increasing dementia).

Dear readers, following are several examples that I simply must share with you.

In one case, we had taken my mother to the emergency room for one of her many medical episodes, a nurse whom I had once counseled, and who, subsequently, became my intern walked up, and gave me a hug. And I, subsequently, introduced her to my mom. After “Julia” stepped away, my mother exclaimed, “That girl has the hots for you!”

Then there was the time that I visited my mother at the nursing home, and upon entering her room, I said, “Linda (my sister) is coming to see you tomorrow.” To which she exclaimed, “I must be dying!”

Though she lived in an “old folk’s home” the last couple of years of her life, my wife and I took my mother out to lunch on a weekly basis. As we were heading down Highway 17 one day, and with our sights set on “Red Lobster,” Jean mused. “Erma, last night I dreamed you were driving the car, and Royce and I were in the backseat kissing.” To which my mother quipped, “You two must still get it on!”

My mother was very susceptible to morphine, and after having received a bit too much of the golden liquid one day, my wife queried her. “Erma, do you know who I am?” And with this, mama responded, “Yes. You’re married to my son.” Jean countered with, “Which one?” Without so much as a moment’s pause, she answered a question with a question, “Which one do you want?”

Pt. 2

On another occasion, when several of us family members had gathered in my mother’s room, a nurse’s aide walked in, and made a comment about the size of her extended family. To which mama responded, “My children put me in here because I was so mean!”

Once while my mother was in the nursing home, the nutritionist stepped into her room with a plate of steaming food, and with a smile, presented it to her roommate. She received an unexpected response to the lovely meal. “I can’t eat that! My a_ _ is already too big!”

On another occasion, my father had been admitted to the hospital, having sustained a major stroke; and at which time he was involved in daily physical therapy. He was, admittedly, “out of it” during that season of his life, and often flirted with the nurses, and therapists. One day, daddy told one of the female tech’s. “Honey, when I get out of here, I’d like you to come see me. I’d show you a real good time!”

During the last several days of my grandmother’s life, my mother was visiting with her in the hospital. Suddenly my grandmother looked towards the door and exclaimed. “Erma, the doctor and nurses are down the hall. Quick! Get my stuff, and let’s get outta here!”

And no, I haven’t forgotten the implication with which I first began; the “Sunday Morning” segment.

The network reporter had stopped by a local nursing home to interview a very special couple who’d been married for an unbelievable time span of 81 years. Each were 99 at the time.

The reporter turned to “Mr. Brown,” and asked,

“Well, John, how did you propose to your wife?”

John smiled a smile that would light up all out doors, and exclaimed,

“I asked her if she had any money!”

Turning to his wife, the reporter asked,

“And Grace, to what do you owe the longevity of your marriage?”

You could tell Mrs. Brown was about to “come out with one.”

“I was content to let John do whatever I wanted him to do!”

And I simply must conclude this blog with a story related to my dearly departed mother in law.

One day she received a phone call from a dance studio; at which time the phone solicitor put on her most pleasant long distance persona.

"Mrs. Vaughn, this is Arthur Murray Studios. We'd like to offer you a golden opportunity! We would like to award you a coupon for two free dance lessons."

To which my mother in law responded,

"I'm sorry honey. I've only got one leg!"

You can imagine how quickly the solicitor offered her regrets, and got off the line!

 

Yes, old folks say the darndest things!

by William McDonald, PhD