MICHAEL MYERS AT THE DOOR

I walk. I walk a lot. 

(Yeah, I do)

I walk twice a day, an hour each "go around," six days a week. At least, I have just added a second hour in a quest to knock twenty pounds off my 220 pound, 5'8" frame. 

And as I was completing my evening walk yesterday, and the sun was just dipping below the horizon, I looked to my left and saw it. Well, to be specific I saw them. 

Two Amazon packages sitting (or would it be setting) by the front door of an upper middle-class home. 

And it occurred to me

I thought, 

"I'll notify the homeowner that he (or she) has packages at the front door, since if it was me, I wouldn't want my merchandise sitting by the door all night; given the latest snatch and grab craze among unscrupulous neighbors."

I mean, I can relate both personally and professionally

While to my knowledge no one has ever stolen my Amazon or UPS packages, I once had a large envelope taken out of my mailbox, and two or three greeting cards which I have sent out have mysteriously disappeared in the mail system.

And in terms of my professional experience, I drove a UPS truck for twenty years. While we used to procure a signature at each home, during the last few years that I worked for "the tightest ship in the shipping business" we began leaving packages at the front door; (which I always thought was perfectly asinine). But you do what you are instructed to do by the powers that be that write your paycheck. 

However, to United Parcel's credit, it was the policy then, (and I presume even now) to attempt to hide a customer's packages behind a porch column, or under a doormat; purposely moved away from the threshold, so that the homeowner didn't step on it, fall on their proverbial arses, and break not only the contents of the package, but several of the 208 bones in their physiology. I can only imagine how many people have (literally) fallen victim to those one pound packages which have been so casually deposited at the front foot falls of the world by Amazon and Fed-X, and their ilk. 

But as I have previously inferred, the driver who left the boxes at the front door of the previously-alluded to home did not have any compulsion about hiding his packages. As a result, I decided to do my neighborly duty, and notify the homeowner that he or she ought to retrieve his or her packages before they were enveloped by the darkness of the night.

Now, I found myself walking across my unknown neighbor's yard. And now, I rang his doorbell. And now, I knocked on his door. And now, I found myself standing there. And now, I thought I saw the figure of a man (or woman) behind the curtains which bordered both sides of the front door. And now, ...nothing happened. 

And now, I turned on my heel and walked away from the front door, the packages, and the suspicious homeowner. 

But now it occurred to me...

In spite of my altruistic agenda, I failed to take one thing into account. Did I mention I carry a 2 1/2 foot long aluminum pipe with me when I walk the highways and byways of my neighborhood? (Well, I do). While I primarily carry it to pummel the heads and shoulders of German Shepherds and Rottweilers should they decide to invade my personal space, I have thought it might also be an adequate defense against the two-legged form of such malevolent animals.

In spite of my innocent demeanor, I realized I was holding that aluminum pipe in my left hand. And what man or woman in their right minds would open a door to friend or foe, saint or sinner, if he or she peaked out their window, and observed a potential weapon of that sort in the hand of such an unexpected, uninvited visitor?

I recall having felt almost naked standing in front of the door without a mask, as society puts such a premium on wearing one these days, and I personally believe in the practice. (Whereas, the likes of Jamie Lee Curtis has been battling one notorious fella who wears a mask most of her natural life).

However, mask or no mask, and in spite of my charitable agenda, I suppose that well-intentioned little baton in my left hand did the speaking for me, and for a brief few moments, I apparently passed as an unintended...

Michael Myers at the door.

by William McDonald, PhD. Copyright pending