FORGIVENESS VS. RECONCILIATION

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As a former, (and now retired), pastoral counselor, I tended to do something that most counselors don't do. I taught. I required my clients to bring a notebook to their counseling sessions. And I would often say, "Okay, let's stop for a moment. I want to share a teaching with you."

And one teaching I provided my clients, especially those who came alone, and whose spouses had recently committed adultery, sounded like this:

"Reconciliation ALWAYS includes Forgiveness. However, Forgiveness DOES NOT ALWAYS include Reconciliation."

I can only remember virtually insisting one client, among thousands of clients, divorce their spouse. And that particular client's wife was a serial adulterer. The foregoing to say, I respected my clients' right to both forgive and reconcile, as I didn't have anything at stake. However, I felt it was my duty to share the two presenting factors, one which our Lord mentioned, and one which the Apostle Paul mentioned, in which forgiveness was the order of the day, but not necessarily reconciliation.

In Matthew Chapter 5 Jesus speaks about God's allowance for divorce in the case of adultery. In 1st Corinthians Chapter 7 Paul speaks about God's allowance for divorce in the case of desertion. In both cases, adultery and desertion, these passages speak of conditions and not commands; based on the innate grace the innocent party is still willing, and able to invest in the marriage.

But in a larger sense the dynamics of forgiveness and reconciliation applies to ANY relationship and ANY offense committed by one person against another person.

Reconciliation ALWAYS includes Forgiveness. However, Forgiveness DOES NOT ALWAYS include Reconciliation.

And perhaps the overriding variable by which the innocent person decides to both forgive and reconcile is frequency. That is, has the offending party CHOSEN to say, or do something which emotionally, verbally, or physically harms the innocent party on a recurring basis.

by Bill McDonald, PhD