Broken Relationships. Irrevocable Decisions

I have written a couple of previous blogs on the topic of broken relationships.

And as a counselor I have been able to empathize with those who have lived through this experience. But I can tell you it is one thing to counsel the issue. It is an altogether different thing to experience it.

One of my friends, to whom I have provided counsel, is the unfortunate recipient of broken trust. Through no fault of his own, his wife was involved in an extra-marital relationship, and he ultimately suffered the loss of his marriage. And though, (as I have implied) I have all the empathy in the world for him, it’s an altogether different thing when it actually happens

… to you.

A few years ago I fell from a ladder and broke my ankle. As a result I was forced to have reconstructive surgery. Just prior to being rolled into the operating room a nurse injected my thigh with a medication designed to create short-term paralysis; in order to lessen the likelihood of immediate pain.

When I awoke from the surgery I encountered one of the most unusual experiences of my life; (second only to seeing an angel, but that is a different story for a different day). My right leg was paralyzed from my knee to my little toe. And for the life of me I was unable to move my limb, my foot, or five digits on the end of my foot.

About this time my nurse walked into the room, and I asked her,

“Uh, I was wondering. Uhmm, I was told that when I woke up my leg would be paralyzed. Have you ever had anyone who, like, never regained feeling, and the paralysis continued?”

My nurse smiled, and assured me,

“You needn’t be concerned. You will definitely regain feeling in your leg

… in about 8-10 hours.”

And true to her word, about 8 hours later the effects of the paralytic medication wore off, and I was able to will my leg, foot and toes to move again.

I had always entertained empathetic emotions towards my nephew, who was born with Spina Bifida, and who was confined to a wheelchair until as a young adult, he passed away.

But, having momentarily experienced the results of paralysis, my ability to appreciate what Wade lived with on a 24/7/365 basis

… went totally off the scale.

I think it’s the same with failed relationships. Until it happens to you, until you know the pain associated with broken trust, the emotion associated with being left behind, the sensation of being “kicked to the curb,” and the sense that “your services are no longer needed or appreciated,” well, you just can’t begin to understand how it feels. Until you become the beneficiary of a choice you would have never made yourself, you just can't begin to comprehend.

At the same time, we just can’t “stay there.” The pain of staying there indefinitely is just incomprehensible. And yet, until our perception of the pain seems greater than the effort required to overcome the pain, we are unlikely to find relief.

As a counselor I believe our greatest ally in overcoming a broken relationship is an irrevocable decision to overcome the desperate emotions surrounding the impact of the loss. Until we decide, we are bound with invisible chains to a person who has already made their own decision to go their own way.

Of course there are any number of other things we may need to do to assure successful detachment from the one who has chosen to separate themselves from us. (And these actions vary from person to person). As an example, for me it is cathartic to do what I am doing at this very moment. (I am, of course, corresponding with you).

My own progress (and previous lack thereof) has been hard won and a very long time coming. Thankfully, I am on the mend, (though I admit, I occasionally reminisce, and even cherish what was, but can never be again).

“The Apostle Paul once admonished us to “Leave the past behind, and turn to all that God has prepared for you.” (Phil. 3:13)

By William McDonald, PhD. "(Mc)Donald's Daily Diary" Vol. 8